Liveblogging the State of the Crappy Union, 2012 Ed.

Well, the United States of America still exists, for now! I was going to plan my intro paragraph during a long, hot shower but the hot water isn't working. In this scenario one might call a maintenance man, or one might boil water on the stove and bathe herself in the kitchen sink like a giant baby. You can guess which option I chose, so I pretty much spent all my brainpower on not dying naked and alone in my kitchen. Anyway! Let's jump right in.

Click to read more ...

This Is A Birthday Present, Not A Blog Post

Amina, Al and me in the back of a Chicago Police... I don't know, a riot truck? Note to my dad: We were not actually under arrestToday is my friend Amina's birthday! Happy birthday you little baby!!! [Amina is the youngest friend as well as super proud of the fact that she was a premature baby: "You could hold me in your hand like a kitten! My ears were malleable!"] I love you!

So, what do you get the girl who has… an average amount of stuff, and probably needs a few key items, none of which you can likely afford? A blog post of memories, that's what. Plus, Facebook Notes is going away soon so I needed to republish this stuff somewhere. This is your present, which serves no other purpose besides bringing you joy on your day!

Let's start with "Untitled (The Best Rap Song Ever Written)," a little ditty that Amina and I composed and performed for our roomies who were bogged down with studies circa 2004. It's safe to say neither Alysson or Lindsay would have made it through college had they not been reassured and inspired by the following work of art: 

(Intro)

Hey Al

Hey Lin

Wassup

Alright

Don't Fret

It's tight

Cause we gonna help you out tonight

You're bout to write this paper

Thinkin teacher hate cha

But really

He's just tryin' to

Educate cha

You're not the only one

Feeling kinda dumb

No this shit ain't fun

But Hayley and Amina

Gonna show you how it's done

Step one, brainstorm

Lettin' those ideas form

One thing at a time

Write down what comes to mind

Focus and you'll find

You can see

Where you was blind

Step two, outline

Like you was on the front line

Like we was in Kosovo

You want me to flow some mo'?

Just some roman numerals

It ain't like it's your funeral

So just chill

Til the next episode

Gotta get the young thesis 

So easy you could teach this

Gotta run your game

Which starts with the claim

Then evidence to back you up
So teach don't smack you up
Then you gotta warrant 
(Like for your arrest)
If you follow these steps
Yo shit will be the best

Then you just type it up

You know you need to hype it up

Need coffee? Damn son
Go on and pour a cup

This little stint will get you through

All you gotta go is press print you foo

Intro to conclusion

Gotta find your fusion

Pickin' and choosin'

Which shit you be usin'

When it's done

Time for fun

Let's get to boozin'

Yea

One beat

One love

We out

--

And now I present another relic, from the same year, grabbed from AllMSU.com, which apparently still exists:

Oh, Albert.

Happy birthday Amina! And goodbye Facebook notes, without which I might never have become an on-and-off blogger.  

A few weeks ago Ashley Eberbach of Burn One Productions tore herself away from the beach to swing through the mitten state and grab some footage of Detroit. What for? I'll tell you! Claire Demorest, a D-born artist also bumming around the beach with Smashley out in LA, recorded a fun take on Lil' Wayne's Prom Queen, reversing the gender roles (already love her) and softening it for my delicate ears' consumption.

It's no secret that I love pop music more than is normal, and as such I consider myself an authority on the good stuff. If you happen to be in the D and see a little blond girl in a white focus bopping around like an idiot, it's probably me enjoying Renegade or Runaway an inappropriate amount. (Listen here!) Watch out for Claire and Ashley because when I say bumming around the beach I actually mean consistently doing bigger and badder things that will probably win them oodles of awards someday. 

Someone Who Isn't Barack Obama Previews New Old Strategy With Unremarkable Video

If you love to be bored, watch this movie about Barry's brand new!!!! 2012 Strategy, which hinges on the youth who love him for his sexy Facebook page, as well as constantly "maysuring" progress and reevaluating the Strategy. Also, it is the same as his last strategy:

1. Expand the electorate
2. Build something new
3. Grow the grassroots in the states
4. Measure our progress
5. Work for every vote

My least favorite is #5. What kind of asinine recommendation is that? Here are five alternative #5's, any of which would be more valuable advice:

5. Keep the bombing to a minimum
5. Go back to giving good speeches
5. Accidentally leave your microphone on more often
5. Let the paparazzi photograph you with your shirt off
5. Stay hydrated

No, you're right, probably better to just "shut your mouths" for another half a year while various GOP clowns do pretty much whatever the fuck with unions, the budget, basic human services, etc.

Oh well, at least they are sort of trying? And even though it is actually nothing new, that's okay because as you say, guy who isn't a very exciting vlogger, 2008 was "so special." Because of the "grass roots," which exist only as an organizing concept, having nothing to do with specific people or issues. Anyway, this all sounds pretty good, I'M IN!

Republicans Making Super Good Use Of Time; Ending Recycling Tyranny In D.C.

 Republicans are so busy doing the opposite of whatever Barack Obama says that they've hardly had any time to seek out extramarital affairs on Craiglist, which makes them very cranky.

That's obviously the "why" behind this latest tantrum, an effort to repeal global warming by just filling up all the landfills with shit, as fast as possible. Recycling is gay, gay, gay, and to drive that point home GOPers are ending green-type initiatives meant to reduce our government's carbon footprint:

Click to read more ...

Florida Declares Obamacare To Be Too Healthy

This post goes out to my new fans in Chicago, who are the best people on planet Earth for being my fans even though they aren't related to me or even friends with me! I did some Googling to see what's all the rage in Chi these days, but apparently everyone in the city limits is busy posting links to weather forecasts on their Facebook pages. So instead, we're going to talk about what i want to talk about: Florida, a state with much bigger problems than a few flurries.

Click to read more ...

State of the Who?

Okay people, the truth is I have almost no clue what is going on in the world anymore. I just found out a few hours ago that this thing was happening tonight. I am pretty sure I can sum things up in a few words, though: Earthquakes, starvation, Sarah Palin [insert something], Inception, Congress probably not doing much, and that girl who fell into the fountain while texting. Am I warm? Let's see if Obama can be as concise. 

Click to read more ...

Internet Impartiality: The Truth About Digital Disinterest: Our Stance On Net Neutrality

A random fan who knows me only because my blog is excellent and famous My aunt said the Comment needs to comment on net neutrality. I figured it's a great day to make a comeback. After all, the holidays are for facing things you can't escape, like malls and family, and while I might retire for a few months I can never abandon my true passion: writing nonsense about bullshit. So just in time for you to print and frame it for your favorite relative, I present to you my official stance on net neutrality!

Click to read more ...