Levi Johnston 4evr XOXOXOXOXOXOX

Listen, there's about one week left before most of America goes cuckoo for Christmas, which celebrates the Baby Jesus parting the Red Sea and bringing eternal peace to Earth. And next weekend everyone is going to be a) high on tryptophan, b) at the mall (shudder), c) watching football, d) drunk, or e) breaking out the 300-piece nativity set, so I doubt if you'll have much time to follow my orders explore my suggestions anytime during, uh, that time. So do yourself a favor; cancel all your weekend plans and do this stuff instead:

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Thanks to Matt C. for sharing!

See something HILARIOUS that you want to see on Hayley's Comment? Use the contact form at the left to get in touch. If I feature something you send, I will also include up to one tweet's worth (140 characters, although I'm not as anal as Twitter so just however long you want) of shout-outs, political statements, passive aggressive hidden messages to your ex, etc. This is your opportunity to contribute to the greater good of society and be totally famous, so don't be shy!

[The Consumerist]

Sarah Palin is so mad at Newsweek. They put her on the cover in a running outfit instead of one of her eleventy billion dollar suits. IT IS SO SEXIST, she facebooked. (And here I thought making rape victims pay for their own rape kits was sexist.)

I'm one of those feministy types who will point out sexist rhetoric on a Kraft macaroni box, and even I'm struggling here. Sure, she's wearing shorts and her stance is more pageant queen-y than serious politician-y, but I'm guessing that's kind of the point of the article. And considering that she holds no official position, a leisure outfit seems fairly appropriate. 

The funny thing is, if they showed her at home baking a pie, she probably wouldn't even understand the inherent sexism. Luckily we know that our Sarah is a Serious Thinking Person, so we can be 100% sure that she's not throwing out baseless accusations to distract us from the headline, which basically calls her a useless wad of suckage sent from hell to destroy us all. 

[CSM]

When I first visited Planned Parenthood to obtain birth control in high school I've heard from friends that even as a teenager, Planned Parenthood sends you home with one of those plastic thingies with helpful diagrams on how to feel for lumps in your boobs (see tata pics, above). You're supposed to hang it in your shower; we had one at our first college apartment but took it down because boys thought it was weird but I am not sexually active nor have I ever been Dad so I don't really know. The message was that breast cancer is one of those things that you should really catch early if at all possible. The new message, however, is that women don't even need to perform self-examinations, nor do they need regular mammograms until the age of 50:

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Tomorrow marks my return to society, which is lucky for society because frankly, it seems things are a little shaky. To commemorate my tenure on the couch and properly honor my victory over mono, here are exactly nine (9) relevant facts I've learned whilst wasting away these past two weeks! Write these down. Copy and paste these: 

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It's Veterans Day! I only know like one veteran, and he callously dumped me a week before my birthday (truly a display of uncommon bravery). He said I was a Godless pot-smoking hippie, so how could we ever take our kids to Sunday school? And I was like, good for you for being a red-blooded, Jebus-fearing killing machine, but you have a point; I guess we're not really compatible! Later I realized he gave me mono, so I wore his army shirt at the height of my sickness and then tossed it in the doomed "Velveteen Rabbit" pile. All I'm saying is that I really think that whole "Are soldiers really heroes?" debate was worthwhile! [CNN] 

Still, I think old dude should get his GI bill funding. In a classic case of old people not knowing how to work the dang CD-rom right, the IT infrastructure of the VA is unable to deal with all the new age "info," and lots of dollars for books and educations are being delayed. Also, the post-9/11 GI bill is prejudiced against technology. [HuffPost, CSM] 

Hey, you know what would really honor all veterans? If war-loving, intellectually challenged wingnuts--I don't know, let's say "Tom Coburn" of "Oklahoma" for example--would stop voting to send soldiers into battle to get ripped apart and then refusing to provide adequate healthcare upon return. Remember, a while back, everyone was So Mad at Democrats for blocking one of Bush's battle-happy budgets, because how could they not want to give the kids their armored humvees to kill all the Mooslims?? Well, this is kind of like that except without the principled stance against a human-life-and-money-eating-black-hole of a conflict. [Daily Kos]

Anyway kids, save some of the allotted characters in your Facebook status after "Hug a Vet!" to protest the next wave of veteran mistreatment: It seems it's time for another surge, because that strategy ended terrorism in Iraq. Also, the "entire military" is behind this move which is remarkable because usually the armed forces are known for open discussion and healthy dissent. [NPR]

The most responsible and respectful thing we can do as humans and citizens, besides remembering that there is no apostrophe in "Veterans Day," is learn about the causes we celebrate beyond the nice sales, paid vacation days, and patriotic decor/fervor. But if you're dying for a little V-Day involvement, check out the following organizations and projects that are doing good things for active troops and veterans alike.

• Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America special collection on Hulu
• Wounded Warrior Project
• Bake-Me-A-Wish Freedom Cake: Send a delicious cake to someone at home and a soldier abroad!. Or send a care package through Operation Gratitude
• Indulge your inner peacenik by learning about Iraq Veterans Against The War
• Check out the Veterans History Project from the Library of Congress
• Support the National Coalition for Homeless Veterans or a local cooperating organization
• Learn up and speak out about "don't ask, don't tell," and how it prevents willing and able would-be servicewomen and men from serving--and doing so without fear--in the armed forces 

If you're feeling uber-passionate, go the extra mile and shoot your congressperson a tweet about the abhorrent discrepancy between how we talk about our veterans and how we treat them. And, of course, don't forget to hug a vet! 

Okay, so I have mono, which is usually reserved for horny teenagers who sneak out to neck with each other at Makeout Point or whatever the kids are doing these days to earn those sex bracelets. But even though I can barely keep my eyes open long enough to write this post, I know that there's some relatively noteworthy shit going on that could at least vaguely be related to politics as a general category. For example, there were elections today, elections that will finally tell us whether electing that Muslim fellow was a giant mistake, as purported by this super clever acrostic poem-style bumper sticker: 

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HTC is some company that makes some cell phones, and apparently stellar commercials. I hate commercials, but I love this commercial. I know I should be mad that it wants me to have a relationship with my cell phone, but instead I want to laugh and cry and go to Europe and just savor the sweet pain that is life, man. I'm telling you, this commercial is good shit. [HTC on YouTube]

We've all been waiting for the moment that will topple Obama's presidency and it's finally here: Stimulus Not An American Citizen/Secret Muslim Auto bailout Death panels Public option Only playing golf with men Gubernatorial elections. [Reuters]

A well-respected U.S. official has resigned his post in Afghanistan because he thinks the American presence is fueling the very insurgency it's trying to quell. Sound familiar? He also says he's not "some peacenik, pot-smoking hippie who wants everyone to be in love." Conveniently, the Mainstream Media neglected to publish the rest of the quote, which read: "But I am some tree-hugging Muslim homo who wants mandatory, taxed abortions for white people." [WaPo] 

The 2010 Census will count report gay couples living together in extreme sin as "husband and wife." This is a reversal on Bush-era policy, which held that The Defense of Marriage Act eradicated all known American strains of homosexuality. [CNN]