Okay, so I have mono, which is usually reserved for horny teenagers who sneak out to neck with each other at Makeout Point or whatever the kids are doing these days to earn those sex bracelets. But even though I can barely keep my eyes open long enough to write this post, I know that there's some relatively noteworthy shit going on that could at least vaguely be related to politics as a general category. For example, there were elections today, elections that will finally tell us whether electing that Muslim fellow was a giant mistake, as purported by this super clever acrostic poem-style bumper sticker: 

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HTC is some company that makes some cell phones, and apparently stellar commercials. I hate commercials, but I love this commercial. I know I should be mad that it wants me to have a relationship with my cell phone, but instead I want to laugh and cry and go to Europe and just savor the sweet pain that is life, man. I'm telling you, this commercial is good shit. [HTC on YouTube]

We've all been waiting for the moment that will topple Obama's presidency and it's finally here: Stimulus Not An American Citizen/Secret Muslim Auto bailout Death panels Public option Only playing golf with men Gubernatorial elections. [Reuters]

A well-respected U.S. official has resigned his post in Afghanistan because he thinks the American presence is fueling the very insurgency it's trying to quell. Sound familiar? He also says he's not "some peacenik, pot-smoking hippie who wants everyone to be in love." Conveniently, the Mainstream Media neglected to publish the rest of the quote, which read: "But I am some tree-hugging Muslim homo who wants mandatory, taxed abortions for white people." [WaPo] 

The 2010 Census will count report gay couples living together in extreme sin as "husband and wife." This is a reversal on Bush-era policy, which held that The Defense of Marriage Act eradicated all known American strains of homosexuality. [CNN] 

Sen. Joe Lieberman (Conn.) on the Senate floor. At the full moon, he shapeshifts into a crying baby.You know that feeling you get when someone says "I just wanna be with you," and you realize later that what they really meant was "I'm drunk, and I have no interest in dating you long-term, but I'd really like to continue sleeping with you and accepting your emotional validation until I find someone who I really want to commit to and/or you have nothing left to give. Oh, and pick up some cigs on the way over?" And you're like, "Well, I probably should have figured that out sooner." It's the same duh feeling you had when you found out balloon boy was a hoax. Well, that's how I'm feeling about the uproar over this whole 'Joe Lieberman shocks everyone by being a douchebag about the public option' business. CLICK TO READ MORE...

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Everybody loves babies! They are the future! Am I right, or am I right?! WRONG. Insurance companies hate babies. They hate fat babies; they hate skinny babies. Most of all, they hate women, because women have babies.

As congress spins its wheels on a public option and Hilary Clinton sits in her office, all like "I told you this shit was harder than it looked," the insurance industry continues to equate having a vagina with having a pack-a-day habit. Being a woman, it turns out, is considered a pre-existing condition by some providers:

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In order to placate the American public while they continue to steal from us relentlessly and without remorse response to public concern, major banks are redrafting their stances on overdrafting. People, this is literally the best news ever.

For YEARS I have been telling my Dad that overdraft fees are a scam and that my bank is out to get me. Of course, Dad always insisted that I was just irresponsible with my money, which was a true fact. Still, I knew there was more to this story. But I’m not an investigative journalist, so I would just be like, “meh” and then get back to my online shopping. But when literally everyone is so poor that they are eating days-old pizza out of dumpsters, the idea of charging someone $39 for one Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger just seems mean-spirited, no matter how frivolous a purchaser’s choices.

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Hokay, So. Last night was basically Obama’s prom: He gave a rousing speech on healthcare, and I missed it because I had to prevent one roommate from calling the cops on another in order to avoid having to move my stash. So I fake live-blogged it because I figured there is no better way to reclaim my throne as the best blogger EVER on this site. Check out ma shit, then leave your responses to the speech in the comments.

You remember how it works? Is it all coming back, all coming back to you now? Were there moments of gold and then flashes of light? Were there things you’d never do again but then they’d always seem right? Were there nights of endless pleasure, was it more than any laws allow? If you are humming a haunting tune and picturing Celine Dion watching her dead lover ride his motorcycle through a castle, you win! To claim your prize, contact the RNC and tell them you’ve won a public option. AFTER you read more, following the jump...

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Barack Obama gave Captain Jack Sparrow the map above and a (quite jangly) set of keys to our nation’s nuclear facilities. In an attempt to cover up this obvious error in judgment, the Government Printing Office “accidentally” disclosed the same information on their website a few weeks ago. We’re all gonna die. [Wall Street Journal]

Over the weekend, Microsoft launched Bing, which is calls “an internet decision engine” rather than a search engine. Predictably, the interface seems like a weighty, overworked version of Google. They also provide tutorial videos, which I recommend watching if you have nothing important to do and love to waste time watching videos of straight forward internet searches complicated by completely unhelpful diagrams. [Bing]

Once relevant members of the dying GOP continue to throw hissy fits about every shit Obama takes, or when he nominates someone to the Supreme Court, or just whatev. Seriously, can’t an “every-day white guy” like Lindsey Graham get along with a “wise latina” even if she does have the hysteria like all dem womens? [WaPo]

Meanwhile, the prezzie himself is pretty much on vacay, planning his major speech to the Muslim world tomorrow. According to my calculations, this means Obama will reveal his sinister support for anti-American jihad approximately... tomorrow. . I’ve got my burka ready; don’t say you weren’t warned. [CNN]

Bonnie Sweeten, the mom from Pennsylvania who called 911 claiming she and her 9-year-old daughter had been abducted, is a big faker. What disturbs me the most about this situation is that while we live in the age of crime procedurals, an average American can’t avoid such rookie mistakes as emptying out her own bank accounts the day of her disappearance and placing easily traceable cell phone calls from the wrong location. If you’re going to fake your own kidnapping, do us all a favor and watch a few episodes of Without a Trace before getting started. [ABC News]

Despite continuing negotiations about the specifics, GM is going bankrupt. For some reason, its shares—which will soon be worthless, if I understand anything, which I’m not necessarily saying I do—are trading at around a whole dollar (which might also soon be worthless). [Reuters]

Over 30 million Xbox 360 consoles have been sold worldwide. Isn’t it comforting that even in a recession people can find hope simply by talking shit to 12-year-olds and maniacally attacking strangers with magic weapons? [TG Daily]

I know you’re all in the eye-rolling stage of the swine flu panic, but in the movies that is what happens just before the mysterious bug comes back meaner and faster to kill us all. Australia knows what’s up, that’s why they just quarantined a cruise ship and ordered 10 million doses of the vaccine. [Brisbane Times]

Kim Jong Il is having one of his freak outs. Hillary Clinton is giving North Korea a stern public talking-to, and Obama asked Biden to bring out the yellow booster seat and put it in the corner to use as a Time-Out Chair. [CNN]