I lived in Atlanta for seven months, during which time there was a terrible drought. Being a filthy lib, I just survived off the blood of babies and the liquor supply of my next door neighbor, Emily Rose (that’s another story for another day). For everyone else, the governor held a giant prayer thingy to ask God to make it rain, only not like in rap songs when “rain” means money (actually I think it’s a euphemism for ejaculate, but that’s neither here nor there). It didn’t really work, but Georgia politicians never fail to delight and entertain with their continued insistence on inserting God into literally everything.

Take Congressman Paul Broun (R, Duh). He wants President Obama to declare 2010 the “Year of the Bible,” like, officially. He wants Americans to “rediscover” the Bible because, you know, all the godlessness, etc. When asked the obvious question, “Why are you doing this?” Brown responds:

“Well, it’s all about freedom actually. The Bible was the basis of our laws, it was the basis of the Constitution of the United States, the Declaration of Independence; the Bible was the founding source. In fact, our founding fathers quoted the Bible more than any other resource when they established this country. We’ve forgotten that we need to go back to those principles... that the bible teaches, of things such as personal responsibility, accountability, and freedom.”

First of all, I’m pretty sure they teach you way back in elementary school about a little thingy called the Magna Carta; which granted citizens certain rights for King John to take away. Sound familiar?

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I just read the Credit Card Bill of Rights, and it’s got some good stuff in there. Mandatory grace periods even for special promotions; the elimination of fees for phone and web-based payments; creditors can’t call before noon on weekends—oh, what? That’s not in there? Weird. [Boston Globe]

Congress won’t give Obama the moneys to release robot zombies from Guantanamo into suburban schoolyards, so ‘Bams had to give a speech at the National Archives. In it, he asked: “Who are the flip floppers now, America? You’re all ready to send George Bush to the gallows for this torture stuff, yet now you’re making me waste my time debating the fundamental values of our country with Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney! That guy is like the most universally agreed upon representation of evil in human form. I could be saving jobs right now, or babies. FML.” [Washington Post]

Ongoing jobless claims have been setting records for 16 straight weeks now. My advice to you all is to get a PhD. Or at least just pretend to try for a couple of years. At the very least, you’ll feel better about being poor because everyone in grad school is poor. [CNN Money]

GM reached a deal with UAW that will help the company lower its labor costs dramatically, yay! Unfortunately, “most analysts expect the offer to fail.” Boo. [New York Times]

Four guys were charged with attempting to use weapons of mass destruction against Americans when they planted several bombs outside synagogues in New York City. Thankfully, Americans are so dumb sometimes: They met in jail (one of them has been arrested 27 times), sought out the help of a terrorist who turned out to be a criminal informant, and failed to notice that all of their bombs were duds constructed specifically to be harmless by the FBI. [Bloomberg]

Jim Gibbons, the Republican governor of Nevada, is srsly PO’ed at Barack Obama. In a statement, Obama discouraged companies that have received taxpayer bailout money from wasting it all on hookers, booze and gambling; apparently Gibbons took that as a direct assault on Vegas! After “demanding” a meeting with the president (how adorable), and being rejected, Gibbons is publicly denouncing Obama’s comments and calling for him to “repair the damage:”

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Everyone’s favorite uncle, Joe Biden, revealed the location of a secret bunker where Dick Cheney hid after 9/11, retroactively causing serious imaginary danger eight years ago. [The Swamp]

So, you know how Obama wimped out and said he’s not going to do Chinese water torture or anything on W.? The latest move by liberals (who are all OCD about human rights, apparently, WTF) is an attempt to disbar several of the attorneys who laid the legal framework, with their wordz, for the “enhanced interrogation techniques.” [CNN]

Surprise! Health care costs are rising for the American worker, who now pays an average of over $16,000 annually—for employer provided insurance. I got some email from Barack Obama and David Plouffe the other day, saying something about healthcare reform... but I’m probably just going to play it safe and wear a surgical mask until swine flu blows over. [Reuters]

Proof that bloggers are superior to all other life forms: pun-loving Maureen Dowd is now plagiarizing them in her column for the New York Times. [AP]

Space update: Astronauts are finishing up work on the Hubble; your new hero sent the first tweet from space; WaPo answers that nagging question: “How do astronauts pee in space?” I can’t really think about space anymore without thinking about how Kanye West calls it “NASA” in that Knock You Down song. That shit cracks me up.

Hello? Is this thing on? Hey! What's up? Oh, who, me? Well, I would address my lengthy absence but you guys probably wouldn’t believe me if I—alright, fine. I was working on a joint mission between the Peace Corps and the UN to bring WiFi to the poorest nations on Earth (No, that’s not true, and yes, I stole the idea from Serena’s con-artist boyfriend on Gossip Girl; jeeze, what are you, a fanatic? Actually I was just laboring over skewl stuff, continuing my efforts at not getting evicted, and misinterpreting sexual encounters with close friends [Every boy I talked to about it ASSURED me that when he spoons you, it means he likes you! Assholes!]. So, pretty busy. Can we drop it now?).

So, after I was done giving back to some of Mother Earth’s less fortunate children, I finally managed to convince some random people (my MA advisory committee) that Hayley’s Comment is sweet, and should be given due respect in terms of its nearly iconic cultural significance. In fact, they’re letting me write my thesis on it! That means I’ll be blogging for the duration, folks; and buckle up, because this summer will be all about experimentation. If you haven’t noticed, I shifted from covering only politics to dealing with some other issues (see: shenises). Not sure if it was election burnout or whatevs, but it was a fairly serious identity crisis and this summer I will attempt to figure out what, exactly, this space is for. What you can count on is continued commentary, complete with inappropriate jokes and all the greatest swear words.

So please do start coming back again. I realize I’ve led you on and toyed with your emotions and let you think that there was something here when it turned out there wasn’t! I realize I haven’t taken the time to consider how that affected you, and I was cowardly and selfish to expect you to understand without explaining my actions, which were not only unpredictable but really, don’t make much sense when you consider how much I really do love to share with you! Forgive me?

If you’d like to make suggestions for the direction of this blog—I’m thinking a new name, too, if you have any bright ideas—or just comment on how nicely I handled that little awkwardness in the last paragraph without resorting to a bullshit boilerplate explanation that looks like I found it on WikiAnswers, well, be my guest! In the mean time, watch this trailer for Where the Wild Things Are, because that story is fucking awesome and, ya know, let the wild rumpus begin!

My ex-roomie's new "pad"

Okay kiddos, here’s what’s up:

Item Number Uno: Apologies for lack of fantastic bloggings lately. To make a long story short, I almost got evicted because my roommate was unbalanced and consistently doping herself euphoric with tons of adderall, then coming down, numbing herself to the concepts of “rent” and “basic human kindness,” and frankly it made me in to a crabby hermit. Oopsies!

Anyway, another thing that has been going on is that grad school has been kicking my ass. So in an effort to maintain both Hayley’s Comment and my academic career, the next month is going to be a little different. Don’t worry, I’m still going to be raging against the machine; specifically, the teevee. I am conducting a small research project about cable news and the ways in which certain shows or personalities imply or construct certain realities that we often take for granted.

So in the next few weeks, you can look forward to lots of clips with commentary. Sometimes it might be a little more academic than what I usually post, but I think for those of you with a vested interest in hating Fox News, it will still be fun! Arriba!

MacGyver is coming to the big screen. I kind of thought Jason Bourne did the same shit MacGyver did, except in a better jacket. I gotta say, looking back, MacGyver is semi-really hot. Anyone with me? [Hollywood Reporter]

Maybe if someone gave Timmy Geithner a paper clip and a stick of Fruit Stripe he could figure out a legal way to say “Fuck you AIG, you assholes are not getting your billion-dollar bonuses, are you fucking kidding, no fucking way assholes.” [CBS News]

Into the creepy? Check out this diagram of the cellar where dungeon dad kept his daughter and their seven children hostage for over 20 years. [BBC]

One of the best things about living in a free country is that if the government is conducting state-sponsored torture, people are free to write and leak reports that expose these activities to the public years after it matters. [NPR]

My government shot down an unmanned Iranian aircraft and all I got was this stupid one-line confirmation. [Washington Post]

Oh, how adorable: A crosswalk signal dusted with flurries

Apparently it's What-the-Fuck Tuesday here at Hayley's Comment, probably because all the real news is too bleak to mention. The latest to make assholes of themselves are the New Media Elite over at Gawker. Gawker writers are tuff because they are a new species than can actually make a living blogging, and they live in New York on a "per click" salary which is very dangerous and daring in these precarious times. HOWEVER. They are just a bunch of pansies! KEEP READING...

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