Well, the United States of America still exists, for now! I was going to plan my intro paragraph during a long, hot shower but the hot water isn't working. In this scenario one might call a maintenance man, or one might boil water on the stove and bathe herself in the kitchen sink like a giant baby. You can guess which option I chose, so I pretty much spent all my brainpower on not dying naked and alone in my kitchen. Anyway! Let's jump right in.
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Amina, Al and me in the back of a Chicago Police... I don't know, a riot truck? Note to my dad: We were not actually under arrestToday is my friend Amina's birthday! Happy birthday you little baby!!! [Amina is the youngest friend as well as super proud of the fact that she was a premature baby: "You could hold me in your hand like a kitten! My ears were malleable!"] I love you!
So, what do you get the girl who has… an average amount of stuff, and probably needs a few key items, none of which you can likely afford? A blog post of memories, that's what. Plus, Facebook Notes is going away soon so I needed to republish this stuff somewhere. This is your present, which serves no other purpose besides bringing you joy on your day!
Let's start with "Untitled (The Best Rap Song Ever Written)," a little ditty that Amina and I composed and performed for our roomies who were bogged down with studies circa 2004. It's safe to say neither Alysson or Lindsay would have made it through college had they not been reassured and inspired by the following work of art:
Then evidence to back you up
So teach don't smack you up
Then you gotta warrant
(Like for your arrest)
If you follow these steps
Yo shit will be the best
--
And now I present another relic, from the same year, grabbed from AllMSU.com, which apparently still exists:
Oh, Albert.
Happy birthday Amina! And goodbye Facebook notes, without which I might never have become an on-and-off blogger.
]]>A few weeks ago Ashley Eberbach of Burn One Productions tore herself away from the beach to swing through the mitten state and grab some footage of Detroit. What for? I'll tell you! Claire Demorest, a D-born artist also bumming around the beach with Smashley out in LA, recorded a fun take on Lil' Wayne's Prom Queen, reversing the gender roles (already love her) and softening it for my delicate ears' consumption.
It's no secret that I love pop music more than is normal, and as such I consider myself an authority on the good stuff. If you happen to be in the D and see a little blond girl in a white focus bopping around like an idiot, it's probably me enjoying Renegade or Runaway an inappropriate amount. (Listen here!) Watch out for Claire and Ashley because when I say bumming around the beach I actually mean consistently doing bigger and badder things that will probably win them oodles of awards someday.
]]>If you love to be bored, watch this movie about Barry's brand new!!!! 2012 Strategy, which hinges on the youth who love him for his sexy Facebook page, as well as constantly "maysuring" progress and reevaluating the Strategy. Also, it is the same as his last strategy:
1. Expand the electorate
2. Build something new
3. Grow the grassroots in the states
4. Measure our progress
5. Work for every vote
My least favorite is #5. What kind of asinine recommendation is that? Here are five alternative #5's, any of which would be more valuable advice:
5. Keep the bombing to a minimum
5. Go back to giving good speeches
5. Accidentally leave your microphone on more often
5. Let the paparazzi photograph you with your shirt off
5. Stay hydrated
No, you're right, probably better to just "shut your mouths" for another half a year while various GOP clowns do pretty much whatever the fuck with unions, the budget, basic human services, etc.
Oh well, at least they are sort of trying? And even though it is actually nothing new, that's okay because as you say, guy who isn't a very exciting vlogger, 2008 was "so special." Because of the "grass roots," which exist only as an organizing concept, having nothing to do with specific people or issues. Anyway, this all sounds pretty good, I'M IN!
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Republicans are so busy doing the opposite of whatever Barack Obama says that they've hardly had any time to seek out extramarital affairs on Craiglist, which makes them very cranky.
That's obviously the "why" behind this latest tantrum, an effort to repeal global warming by just filling up all the landfills with shit, as fast as possible. Recycling is gay, gay, gay, and to drive that point home GOPers are ending green-type initiatives meant to reduce our government's carbon footprint:
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This post goes out to my new fans in Chicago, who are the best people on planet Earth for being my fans even though they aren't related to me or even friends with me! I did some Googling to see what's all the rage in Chi these days, but apparently everyone in the city limits is busy posting links to weather forecasts on their Facebook pages. So instead, we're going to talk about what i want to talk about: Florida, a state with much bigger problems than a few flurries.]]>
Okay people, the truth is I have almost no clue what is going on in the world anymore. I just found out a few hours ago that this thing was happening tonight. I am pretty sure I can sum things up in a few words, though: Earthquakes, starvation, Sarah Palin [insert something], Inception, Congress probably not doing much, and that girl who fell into the fountain while texting. Am I warm? Let's see if Obama can be as concise.
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A random fan who knows me only because my blog is excellent and famous My aunt said the Comment needs to comment on net neutrality. I figured it's a great day to make a comeback. After all, the holidays are for facing things you can't escape, like malls and family, and while I might retire for a few months I can never abandon my true passion: writing nonsense about bullshit. So just in time for you to print and frame it for your favorite relative, I present to you my official stance on net neutrality!]]>
Somewhere along a typical meandering trail of useless information on the internet, I came across this gem of a concept: SarcMark. Have you heard of this thing? Believe it or not this random arrangement that looks like the crappiest crop circle ever is actually a punctuation mark for sarcasm. At least that's what someone wants you to think. Someone who considers $2 per download a fair price for this keystroke of genius.
Only unfunny people or those with a very stupid following/conversation partner would would need to use a punctuation mark to indicate sarcasm. Sarah Palin is the perfect example of someone who would abuse the SarcMark for both of the stated reasons. Can you imagine her tweets? "Barack Obama loves America! [SarcMark] He is a Christian! [SarcMark]"
In fact, I wasn't even going to do this crazy ran about the SarcMark. I was going to write an entire blog post about the wisdom of extending the Bush tax cuts with a SarcMark after every sentence. I think this would have proven my point; unfortunately SarcMark isn't even available for Macs. Here is proof that the SarcMark is about as necessary as a Snuggie:
When writing a blog, lists are a handy tool to break up information into easily digestible chunks. To comply with the Freedom of Information Act, I am providing a list of excuses for why I didn't blog all summer. I have also included workarounds for each roadblock, to help inspire others who may be facing similar issues.
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