Florida Declares Obamacare To Be Too Healthy

This post goes out to my new fans in Chicago, who are the best people on planet Earth for being my fans even though they aren't related to me or even friends with me! I did some Googling to see what's all the rage in Chi these days, but apparently everyone in the city limits is busy posting links to weather forecasts on their Facebook pages. So instead, we're going to talk about what i want to talk about: Florida, a state with much bigger problems than a few flurries.

As my high school boyfriend used to say, Florida is a "B-state." That means that while it scrapes by on sunshine, oceans and Miami, mostly it is a terrible place full of alligators and the people who catch and eat them. Plus: Hurricanes, Elian Gonzalez, hanging chads and, worst of all, CSI: Miami. And now this crap. In a ruling that declared Obama's entire healthcare package unconstitutional, a nicely tanned moron declared that it's a thin line--too thin--between providing basic human rights to citizens and forcing them not to be fat:

"Congress could require that people buy and consume broccoli at regular intervals," he wrote.

Seriously, the state that force fed us George W. Bush is complaining about having to have health insurance and maybe, at some point in the fascist socialist future, eat vegetables? On the other hand, people actually go to Florida just to die so it is kind of logical. David Caruso, don't you have anything to say about this?

"What do you want me to say? We are talking about a place where medical examiners wear white suits basically every time they go to a crime scene. I will protect you."

I hereby declare the entire state of Florida to be a preexisting condition and thus not eligible for representation in government. Here are some other states that have been ruining things for a while now:

• New York
• Texas
• Wisconsin

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