Internet Impartiality: The Truth About Digital Disinterest: Our Stance On Net Neutrality

A random fan who knows me only because my blog is excellent and famous My aunt said the Comment needs to comment on net neutrality. I figured it's a great day to make a comeback. After all, the holidays are for facing things you can't escape, like malls and family, and while I might retire for a few months I can never abandon my true passion: writing nonsense about bullshit. So just in time for you to print and frame it for your favorite relative, I present to you my official stance on net neutrality!

As with any journalistic endeavor I had to start by doing background research. To gain a basic understanding of the concept and relevant issues, I visited SaveTheInternet.com, where I found a helpful video: 

I think this YouTube makes the stakes pretty clear. In one corner, you have Comcast and the grinch and in the other corner you have a black kid and blogs it doesn't matter what else is going on because you can safely assume that Comcast would rather burn your house down with your pets in it than do anything in your best interest.

On the other hand, Michelle Malkin says net neutrality is Obamacare for the web, which can mean only one thing: DEATH PANELS. Today, you give a mulatto child the internet; tomorrow, he steals your freedoms and sentences you to die. If we have learned anything from this recession, it's that deregulating industries controlled by a few massive conglomerates is the only way to secure our freedoms.

Plus! The internet would probably be better if it was more like TV, where only rich people with gobs of diamonds can afford to produce and widely distribute content. That's why so many television programs are innovative and compelling, and why the internet is so boring: Too many cooks.

Still, having to pay so that Hayley's Comment can load as fast as Gawker would probably mean the end of this blog and that would be a great American tragedy on the scale of 9/11 or Jennifer Aniston still not getting a baby. For that reason alone, I urge you to take a strong stance in favor of net neutrality. 

And anyway, I am pretty sure that net neutrality is what allowed me to stream Black Swan while it's still in theaters, and even though it is basically Center Stage with a way worse soundtrack I still liked it. Most importantly, I appreciated how fair it was that I got to watch it for free!* And afterward, I washed off that signature Aronofsky "we should all just kill ourselves" feeling by watching this: 

In any case, it may be too late. If net neutrality goes the way of furbies and jobs, we will all lament the days when relief from sadness could be always found in amateur Center Stage montages, an infinite supply of baby animal images, or making a new flash intro for your internet website. And when that happens, I will be starting a new, better internet that you are all welcome to use for free, just wire several thousand gold bars to my Nigerian bank account.

*This paragraph is 100% hypothetical.