Liveblogging the State of the Crappy Union, 2012 Ed.

Well, the United States of America still exists, for now! I was going to plan my intro paragraph during a long, hot shower but the hot water isn't working. In this scenario one might call a maintenance man, or one might boil water on the stove and bathe herself in the kitchen sink like a giant baby. You can guess which option I chose, so I pretty much spent all my brainpower on not dying naked and alone in my kitchen. Anyway! Let's jump right in.

What's the theme of this speech? Oh yes, it's not the election kickoff speech! I'm watching on MSNBC because I don't want to see any CNN holograms.

8:55- Someone just said "It's really all in fun, no one is keeping score." ????????

8:57- One neat thing about the SOTU is that recently Dems and Repubs have managed to sit next to each other like normal human beings who may or may not agree on things, without killing each other. That's true bipartisanship. Bipartisan-sit, if you will.

8:58- Michelle! How can you not love her. If you don't love her, seek professional help.

9:01- Talking about this new phenomenon of Republicans acting like assholes.

9:04- Here he comes! Obama has more charisma than than Brian Littrel from BSB at their peak. (If you weren't in high school circa 2000, that is a big deal.) 

9:08- Good point Rach, where is Michele Bachman? I know those eyes are crazy, but what I wouldn't give to look into them on this special night. 

9:09- Attention everyone on Twitter, Obama is probs not going to sing Al Green tonight so just let it go.

9:11- Never forget

9:12- Iraq is over! Yay! 

9:12- For the first time in two decades, Osama bin Laden is dead. 

9:13- Nice try on Afghanistan, Barry. "Some troops are coming home," and some are going, and many more will still go, you know how it is.

9:15- Education, technology, energy, security, prosperity, economy, responsibilty. I got buzzword BINGO already!

9:16- "The American dream is dead, guys, not cool."

9:17- I like it when Obama expains concepts like fairness and sharing to our nation's leaders.

9:18- "The housing crisis is so 2008. But those are the facts. And yet, there are other facts. Job facts."

9:20- Someone needs to write about the rhetoric around manufacturing in the 21st century. 

9:21- "What's happening in Detroit can happen in other industries." Woot! Detroit getting a shout out as a positive example. 

9:23- Once again, we can make all the useless crap for the world!

9:24- John Boehner makes a :( but manages a few slow claps for businesses paying taxes. 

9:25- Cantor's nostrils are twitching fast like a bunny rabbit! 

9:27- The leader of the free world just quoted a commercial. 

9:28- "We know how to fix everything. Stop going to school for liberal arts, hippies! Probably law school, too." 

9:30- My favorite uncle Joe Biden is picking his nose and Barry is going on and on about training reforms. 

9:32- Summarizing so far: Chrylser commercial; When Mitt Romney Came To Town trailer; Daily Show segment on how teachers really aren't rich

9:33- Obama is outlawing dropping out? Bold move! Might be easier to outlaw going to school in the first place. 

9:36- Immigration is good! But I also know it has to be legal! I AM SO REASONABLE.

9:36- Sorry but John McCain appears to be actually sinking into himself.

9:38- Obama to Repubs: "I triple dog dare you to admit we agree on something."

9:39- Time to talk about oil. Buzz. kill.

9:42- Here comes Michigan's (other) part, in the form of a gritty but triumphant personal story to illustrate the merits of investing in our nation's energy future! Obama: "I will not walk away from clean energy."

9:45- "You don't believe in science, fine. But I know you believe in money. Hear this." Something about the navy powering homes. Hey, in Detroit I think we are making energy from poop at the zoo! Or something. (?)

9:46- Infrastructure!!!!! Talk to me, Obama. Oh, the YouTube equivalent of this is the MSNBC series of commercials where their stars are standing in front of bridges and dams talking about the New Deal, etc.

9:48- "A small fee on the largest financial institutions-" STOP RIGHT THERE. Obviously, no.

9:51- Barack Obama, that spilled milk joke was weak. Apologies, you are still my boyfriend, but you can do better. Oh no, do not draw it out into a comment on oil spills, don't do it, noooooooo.... oh, he did it. 

9:53- "Expand our investigations"--it's like he's peering into my soul and just saying words he knows I love. Please someone make a crime show about the new financial crime unit. PLEASE!!!!  

9:54- I can afford $40 out of my paycheck. I will just continue to not pay all of my bills on time. NBD.

9:56- This segment is not a YouTube video but a column about Warren Buffett by Warren Buffett. You already read it. 

9:58- If you are rich, you shouldn't get special low tax rates. If you are not rich, you shouldn't have to pay excessively high taxes. 

10:00- Washington is broken. Deficit of trust. Biden falling asleep. It's 2011. 

10:02- Congress can't reform itself, it will go blind! 

10:04- "I know you're not going to let me do any of this stuff. But by saying it here I've attempted to hold you publicly responsible for helping me achieve the very reasonable, agreeable goals I've laid out. This is my staid, but probably effective strategy for proving to the American people that I am boring." 

10:06- Change is in the air! This part is "Can you feel the love tonight" except with revolution and the internet instead of Simba and Nala. 

10:08- "I may or may not invade Iran. I'm just not really interested in a label at this point."

10:10- "Anyone who tells you America in decline is paying attention an idiot!" 

10:12- We can all agree about the veterans. 

10:12- "Not surprisingly, this speech is a giant circle."

10:13- Oh yeah, about how we should all be like soldiers. That's why we have Xboxes!

10:16- You wash my back, I'll wash yours! Words to live by. God bless America.