Hokay, So. Last night was basically Obama’s prom: He gave a rousing speech on healthcare, and I missed it because I had to prevent one roommate from calling the cops on another in order to avoid having to move my stash. So I fake live-blogged it because I figured there is no better way to reclaim my throne as the best blogger EVER on this site. Check out ma shit, then leave your responses to the speech in the comments.

You remember how it works? Is it all coming back, all coming back to you now? Were there moments of gold and then flashes of light? Were there things you’d never do again but then they’d always seem right? Were there nights of endless pleasure, was it more than any laws allow? If you are humming a haunting tune and picturing Celine Dion watching her dead lover ride his motorcycle through a castle, you win! To claim your prize, contact the RNC and tell them you’ve won a public option. AFTER you read.

[note: timestamps are from the beginning of the speech, not actual times].

5:46: After his usual rockin’ entrance, Barry starts off with some basic talk about the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression. Apparently it’s November, 2008 again, which explains my sudden return to blogging.

6:15: Jobs getting a standing ovation, although at first I thought everyone was running in the direction from which they heard the word echo.

7:29: Obama thanks “this body” for all its hard work. Yeah, I get that a lot.

7:51: We’re not just here to clean up a mess, we want to build a future. Which we can’t do if we’re all dead, so, healthcare, ya?

8:15: “I want to be the last person to ever talk about health care!” This gets a standing ovation and probably plenty of self-satisfied chuckles from the Repubs. Because once Bobby Jindal gets in that there White House, you better believe they will be dropping this issue. When anyone brings it up, Bobby Jindal will perform a healthcare exorcism and distract people with inane lies about things that never happened during Hurricane Katrina. He’s like a caramel-colored David Copperfield, that Jindal.

8:51: Dingell shout out! Michigan, bitchezzzz!

10:07: We are the only advanced democracy that is made up entirely of idiots who eat nothing but McDonald’s and Twinkies and then complain about getting cancer. Also without healthcare.

10:30: Barry is now listing a whole bunch of “hard evidence:” 30 million without healthcare; 14,000 lose healthcare every day, blah blah blah etc. This is obviously code for: “You should be afraid.”

10:33: Ah yes, there it is. “It could happen to anyone, except everyone in this room."

10:50: Insurance companies are total fucking assholes and refuse to pay for chemo for people with acne.  

12:20: We spend so much money, yet we aren’t any happier or healthier. That is the American way.

12:54: Hmm, I wonder if Repubs will buy the “hidden tax” argument. It must be hard to respond only to (and in) keywords and talking points.

13:26: If we don’t hurry up and insure the people, we will not even be able to afford a trazillion guns, oh noes!!!

14:25: Some right-wingers want to end employer-based programs altogether, because it’s not fair that working folks get insurance while Rumor Willis has to pay out of pocket.

14:44: Healthcare represents 1/6 of our economy. That’s gotta be like $.30, at least.

14:50: We don’t need to build a new system, he says, and everyone agrees because building things is hard work and that is not our government’s specialty.

16:21: Earnest admonishment for fear tactics and ideological heel-digging. Republicans ready their response which will doubtlessly go something like “Socialism! Bootstraps! Rubber; glue!”

16:49: No more bickering! No more games! I need him to come give a speech my roommates: “Now is not the time for text messages calling each other herpes-laden whores. Together, we can fight the spread of herpes!”

17:17: Three basic goals. Lists are good. More stability, more insurance, slowed costs. (Stability=facism, you know that, right?)

17:44: Barry’s plan asks everyone to take responsibility, which we can pretty much relegate to the “wishful thinking” category, since science tells us that all uninsured people are just lazy slobs.

18:12: The deets: If you already have insurance through your job, or any other source, nothing will have to change. He repeats it, so you know he’s lying. Your insurance will just “work better,” meaning your insurance will really be used to pay for abortions for black Muslims. Shit.

18:58: No denial of coverage based on preexisting conditions! Does being against healthcare reform count as a preexisting condition?

19:21: Dang, Obama is making laws and shit. No dropping sick people, no arbitrary caps on abortions coverage amounts.

20:00: No one should go broke from being sick in America. Did he just plagiarize that Facebook status that has been making the rounds the last couple of days?

20:20: Insurance will cover routine and preventative care. God, is this whole speech about abortion?

21:00: Finally, the part for the really poor people. They will create a marketplace! (ding ding ding! Reaganites standby for rhetorical fondling.) “Customers,” “leverage,” “large companies,” etc… This is like masturbatory material for free-market enthusiasts.

21:30: And BAM! With the “opportunity.” I swear, Americans fucking love the word “opportunity.” They love it even more than they love the words “freedom” or “democracy.” It’s like saying the word “opportunity” immediately conjures visions of a college education and a summer home.

22:25: “Change takes four years from now, exactly. So you see, you must reelect me, if you want to live.”

22:44: Holy hell, a John McCain shout-out! HAHA John McCain gave himself a standing ovation. Man, what a d-bag.

23:34: Evil companies who do not insure their employees simply encourage government subsidization and dependence. Obama obvi watched the same Wal-Mart documentary that I did, because he is pretty well-versed in this shizz.

24:19: If we can force people to have car insurance, we can damn sure force them to have health insurance.

25:50: Obama is going to address some misinformation that’s been making the rounds. This gets some applause that seem to be partially from Republicans celebrating their success in this area.

26:20: THERE WILL BE NO DEATH PANELS. DO YOU HEAR ME G’MA? YOU CAN STOP SENDING ME EMAIL FORWARDS ABOUT HOW OBAMA IS TRYING TO KILL YOU.

26:45: Okay, so I’m cheating by watching this having already skimmed some headlines and Facebook reactions, but I have been waiting for the “LIAR!” moment and dang, was it ever inappropriate, just as inappropriate as everyone said.

28:20: Standing ovation for the market, because, why not, it’s the market! Plus, it’s proven so effective.

28:52: 90% of healthcare in Alabama is controlled by one company. I know there is an incest joke in there somewhere; I just… can’t…quite… just make it yourself, in your head.

29:06: Insurance executives aren’t bad people. They’re good people that got stuck with car-crash personalities, shithead careers and a lack of basic human compassion.

30:25: A “not-for-profit” option. (SOCIALISM.)

31:18: I no longer have any clue what he’s talking about. Happy birthday, Mom!

32:22: "The plan is only partially socialist, so all the haters need to back the fuck off."

33:02: Obama says that we must work together to address legitimate concerns within healthcare reform. At this, some crowd is defiantly waving pieces of paper that I’m thinking must list constructive ways for working together.

34:12: No beauracracy! Everybody hearts this.

35:05: “I will not add to the deficit. Except by accident, later, after you’ve all forgotten that it was my fault. Hey, speaking of which, wasn’t there someone else I was supposed to blame in this speech?”

35:39: “In case you forgot, Bush was the one that got us in to debt, guys.” Ah, finally, something we can all enjoy.

36:33: He wants to talk to the oldies. HAHA zoom in on Joe Lieberman… sometimes the cameraperson writes the jokes and I just sip my Diet Coke and laugh, laugh, laugh.

37:38: Ooooh an Independent Commission to change Joe Lieberman’s diapers, I like it.

38:12: "Half of congress wants you to pay for prescription drugs with the blood of tree huggers."

38:49: “I will protect Medicare!” Obama promises, after calling some peeps out for trying to privatize it. The camera cuts to a group of guys that look like the real jerk-offs, from high school, who would pick on weak kids and nerds until they got yelled at, and then blush while maintaining an infuriatingly smug expression… Basically, O’Doyle. How does it feel, America, that some of your highest elected-officials can be aptly compared to a bully from a decade-old Adam Sandler movie? I know, I really want to watch Billy Madison now too. Come over later, we’ll get a pizza and some Diet Coke!

39:48: He appears to be talking about some real modifications in the way people consider and carry out healthcare, which is why no one appears to understand or care.

40:40: Jesus, Obama just mentions that Republicans want reformed medical malpractice laws, and they practically do the wave.

41:11: Medical malpractice reform won’t kill a werewolf, but it could help cut costs. So yeah, he’ll do some of that.

42:03: 900 billion American dollars is less than the wars, less than tax cuts for the rich. The O’Doyles do not like this comparison; ha, it's too bad it is inarguably true.

43:38: Obama doesn’t association with plan-killers (just baby killers). A mix of standing ovations and pouty faces.

44:44: “We know these things to be true.” Clever rhetorical reinforcement of your reality, Big O. Remind you of any important lines from American history?

44:59: Obama got a letter from Ted Kennedy FROM THE GRAVE.

45:39: Oh jeeze, somebody get Biden a tissue. His sad face makes me sad, too. I just want to cuddle him and tell him it will all be okay.

46:26: Self-reliance and rugged individualism are the bedrock of American narcissism and denial character.

47:00: Basically, the people against healthcare reform are the same people who hated Ted Kennedy, who, in case you forgot was related to JFK, JFK, Jr., AND that pretty girl he was married to, so… choose your sides wisely, kids.

48:00: Talking about kids with cancer and Ted Kennedy at the same time… this guy is so good, that’s why he’s President.

49:30: We’ve always been afraid of socialism, guys! But it’s right there, in our government and society every day, without us even thinking about it. Doesn’t hurt so bad, does it?

50:30: “When only timidity passes for wisdom… we lose something essential.” This is good shit, right here.

51:22: “We did not come here to fear the future. We came here to shape it. Destiny, character, etc… OBAMA,OUT!”