State of the Who?

Okay people, the truth is I have almost no clue what is going on in the world anymore. I just found out a few hours ago that this thing was happening tonight. I am pretty sure I can sum things up in a few words, though: Earthquakes, starvation, Sarah Palin [insert something], Inception, Congress probably not doing much, and that girl who fell into the fountain while texting. Am I warm? Let's see if Obama can be as concise. 

8:50pm: I tuned in to MSNBC just in time to catch this amazing tidbit: In addition to the traditional opposition response from the Republican party, this year there will be a "Tea Party Republican" response as well. Can. Not. Wait.

8:55pm: The new Keith Olbermann wants to know why we are still at war. Obama was a hippie, we thought!

8:57pm: Chris Matthews has never seen party discipline like this before. I think he has never seen seven girls finish power hour and make it all the way through the Joe Millionaire finale. (If you remember Joe Millionaire you get ten billion points.)

8:59pm: Hilary! For some reason I love you again.

9:01pm: Late, just like last year. From now on when I am late to family events, I'm going to say I'm just supporting my president.

9:02pm: Speech has been leaked zomg. "Obama is on an upward swing in every meaningless, inaccurate, distracting poll that we talk about every day for no discernable reason whatsoever, so... that's a thing that's different from the usual things."

9:05pm: Obstruction and filibusters sound like things old people say. Like "motorcoach." We have no place for them in this millenium. We do have a place for motorcoaches, however.

9:06pm: Obama! Why are you so sexy! I mean that! It's embarrassing but for reals!

9:10pm: This is like the part of prom where you stand in front of the fireplace taking pictures. It's a little awkward but you're excited and all flushed, and you don't want to seem like you're trying to hard but you are trying pretty hard. That's actually me most of the time.

9:09pm: "Shout out baby!" Nice little wave.

9:11pm: Never Forget

9:12pm: Everyone stands for Boehner because [insert cry joke].

9:13pm: "We have all had differences, mostly you guys are just dicks. And that's what makes America great."

9:14pm: You're supposed to start with a joke, Bamz. 

9:15pm: "The question is not are we going to have sex tonight, it's are we going to regret it in the morning."

9:16pm: It's not election season! So can we do some shizz, maybe, pretty please?

9:17pm: We measure success in people. Population, just more people. That's what we need to focus on. Oh, and small business owners, all the people should be small business owners.

9:18pm: "THIS IS STILL GEORGE BUSH'S FAULT YOU ALL KNOW THAT RIGHT?"

9:19pm: The rules have changed; China changed them with all their people. And their education. Go to college, or else the internet will kill you. 

9:20pm: "The world has changed. The competition for jobs is real." Who came up with that morsel of brilliance?

9:21pm: But we are still the best ever, because freedom! That's why the Chinese are still inferior with their rote learning. We might suck at everything but at least we can dream about being sweet at whatever we want.

9:22pm: How will we win the future? Easy, encourage American innovation so we are in possession of the first ever Terminator, ya know, when the time comes.

9:23pm: We put cars in driveways! So many cars! SUVs! Huge SUVs! It is so great omg. 

9:24pm: STUTTER! Ha, i bet he thought no one noticed.

9:24pm: I have always wanted a Sputnick moment.

9:26pm: While I support and actually work with energy efficiency programs, I also watched this one documentary on Netflix Instant that made me think it's way too late (for humans), so... 

9:28pm: I'm pretty sure he got this whole part of his speech from Granholm's HuffPost column.

9:30pm: All this winning talk is making me tired! What does "winning the future" even mean? Holographic battery powered light rail transporting bucketloads of college degrees to all the people? 

9:31pm: Half-bodies. Teach em! As it stands, they are pretty dimwitted. 

9:32pm: "Fire bad teachers! Like the ones who teach history and art, what are they even doing?"

9:34pm: This is my annual shout out to the federal government for funding my education and associated drinking

9:37pm: One more thing about this whole college dealio: Mexicans! Jesus, I can't tell if John McCain is about to bust out laughing or explode in anger or just die.

9:38pm: The trains, they will have internet. Everything must go faster!

9:39pm: "We should fix all the bridges, and we will make sure we have the money for it. And trains for everyone, did I mention that, and I'm not a fascist so no groping on the trains, boo yah!"

9:41pm: Why is Uncle Joe making an Eeyore face? 

9:42pm: "We must simplify the tax code because this is a giant clusterfuck. Seriously, it is asinine. We are idiots for even taking this seriously. Democrats, Republicans. All of us. Fuck."

9:43pm: "Reduce barriers." So... Don't use protection? Again, just supporting my president!

9:44pm: "Speed limits, child labor laws, see guys, government is okay. We should do it, sometime."

9:46pm: Small business + high speed - preexisting conditions = winning the future. I am getting this. 

9:47pm: "I'll forget about what assholes you have been, if you... Well, I'll probably let it slide regardless of whatever, no worries."

9:48pm: Okay this seems to be the part where he makes an important announcement. He uses an extreme word like "freeze" so we will understand this is a major part of the speech. 

9:49pm: "Let's not go ana. Remember that stuff about traffic lights and child porn? That's government, and we can't starve it."

9:50pm: I feel that the phrase "spending through tax cuts" is a gift to a clever Libertarian, and I am going to see some annoying Facebook statuses about it.

9:52pm: "We simply can't afford to do what we already did. It's simply not possible. We will not survive what has already happened."

9:53pm: Now is the time, no day but today, etc.

9:54pm: "Ha, ha, this is so silly guys, the fish have two different agencies that are in charge of them, ha, ha, am I right?"

9:56pm: John McCain is happy because no pork! Biden shared a fun moment with someone, I wish it was me. 

9:57pm: The war parts are always SO BORING.

10:00pm: Oh, the war is ending? Bummer. Wait, I mean awesome. Snoozefest 2011. Fight enemies in their teepees. Same speech since 2001. No longer holds meaning... Can't... pay attenti

10:02pm: "We will defeat you. Because we plan to win the future. We will defeat you in the future, and for that matter the present and the past. We. Will. Reign. Defeat. Upon. You. Forever. We will do this for peace."

10:03pm: Did I use reign properly in the last bit? I feel like maybe it should have been "rain," as in "make it rain," like at the strip club or rap videos, but I was thinking "reign of terror," and now I'm just not sure. No big deal or anything.

10:04pm:

10:06pm: Repealing DADT is a for real good thing! They do exist! Yay for repealing DADT!

10:08pm: "All of the bullshit is worth it, because in America we all get giant teevees so Snookie can be practically a giant! Why would we go anywhere else?"

10:11pm: This story is not even about America...

10:12pm: Oh, wait, it's about the American who modestly saved the day with his superior American innovation! It's kind of a historical pattern, don't you think? "That's what happens when you have lots of ordinary people with insane ideas. Pure genius. Those miners would probs still be done there if not for America."

10:13pm: Over already? He didn't even say anything about legalizing pot or the most important race of all, the race to Mars! What a letdown. 

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10:26pm: Okay, I had grab a cookie but let's keep this party going just in case something funny happens in this response.

10:27pm: Who is this guy? I should probably know this. But he's talking about crushing his own children.

10:29pm: "Let's get one thing straight. We agree that this is all Bush's fault. But Obama is making it worse by going on a shopping spree, for government. Then he tried to grant citizens the basic right of healthcare. Washington should not be in the business of helping its citizens survive."

10:29pm: Crisis, danger, danger, crisis! I have a feeling terrorism is coming up in a bit.

10:30pm: "We want all the same shit as Obama. The only differences are that we are obsessed with corporations and Reagan whereas Obama thinks treating Americans like babies works, plus abortion."

10:32pm: Obama is a socialist. Bottom line.

10:33pm: Spending cuts come first. But not for the military. For the poor people, who are all lazy.

10:34pm: "You don't want to end up like a bunch of gay Europeans, do you?"

10:35pm: "And Lincoln was a Republican, in case you forgot, so there is always that."

10:35pm: I am pretty sure this guy is high. His eyes are red and he's talking gibberish. And he's so smiley.

10:36pm: Earth to pothead, America has only persevered for a few centuries. Jeeze, he was dumb.