Okay, so I have mono, which is usually reserved for horny teenagers who sneak out to neck with each other at Makeout Point or whatever the kids are doing these days to earn those sex bracelets. But even though I can barely keep my eyes open long enough to write this post, I know that there's some relatively noteworthy shit going on that could at least vaguely be related to politics as a general category. For example, there were elections today, elections that will finally tell us whether electing that Muslim fellow was a giant mistake, as purported by this super clever acrostic poem-style bumper sticker: 

The genius that thought of this is still telling people about it

You'd think that Fox News and its readers/viewers/wingnut devotees would be all over these politicalish happenings, but apparently they've got bigger fish to fry:

Yeah, they're probably right. I mean, telling your partner you have an STD is the first step toward telling him you didn't get tested before because  you didn't have a public option; that's political. And higher education is always political, so that explains the presence of the Yale murders on this list. The beef story is probably a missive on government intervention and how it causes E. Coli. That leaves the wedding ring story, which seems a bit frivolous until you consider the fact that this might be the only actual gold this poor lady had, and when the dollar crashes she'll be stuck eating leftover Halloween candy until H1N1 puts her out of her misery.

Finally, the baby. I'm fuzzy on how this story is more important politically than, say, the recent presidential election in Afghanistan, but I'm not exactly functioning at what my chiropractor calls "peak performance," so what do I know? What I really can't figure out about this headline is this: If the toddler can't cry, how do they know what happens when he cries? And if these impossible tears somehow triggered a deadly seizure, wouldn't the baby have died before they had time to retest this hypothesis and justify all the confusing plurals here? 

I'm just saying.