When I first visited Planned Parenthood to obtain birth control in high school I've heard from friends that even as a teenager, Planned Parenthood sends you home with one of those plastic thingies with helpful diagrams on how to feel for lumps in your boobs (see tata pics, above). You're supposed to hang it in your shower; we had one at our first college apartment but took it down because boys thought it was weird but I am not sexually active nor have I ever been Dad so I don't really know. The message was that breast cancer is one of those things that you should really catch early if at all possible. The new message, however, is that women don't even need to perform self-examinations, nor do they need regular mammograms until the age of 50:

Click to read more ...

Tomorrow marks my return to society, which is lucky for society because frankly, it seems things are a little shaky. To commemorate my tenure on the couch and properly honor my victory over mono, here are exactly nine (9) relevant facts I've learned whilst wasting away these past two weeks! Write these down. Copy and paste these: 

Click to read more ...

In order to placate the American public while they continue to steal from us relentlessly and without remorse response to public concern, major banks are redrafting their stances on overdrafting. People, this is literally the best news ever.

For YEARS I have been telling my Dad that overdraft fees are a scam and that my bank is out to get me. Of course, Dad always insisted that I was just irresponsible with my money, which was a true fact. Still, I knew there was more to this story. But I’m not an investigative journalist, so I would just be like, “meh” and then get back to my online shopping. But when literally everyone is so poor that they are eating days-old pizza out of dumpsters, the idea of charging someone $39 for one Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger just seems mean-spirited, no matter how frivolous a purchaser’s choices.

Click to read more ...

Hokay, So. Last night was basically Obama’s prom: He gave a rousing speech on healthcare, and I missed it because I had to prevent one roommate from calling the cops on another in order to avoid having to move my stash. So I fake live-blogged it because I figured there is no better way to reclaim my throne as the best blogger EVER on this site. Check out ma shit, then leave your responses to the speech in the comments.

You remember how it works? Is it all coming back, all coming back to you now? Were there moments of gold and then flashes of light? Were there things you’d never do again but then they’d always seem right? Were there nights of endless pleasure, was it more than any laws allow? If you are humming a haunting tune and picturing Celine Dion watching her dead lover ride his motorcycle through a castle, you win! To claim your prize, contact the RNC and tell them you’ve won a public option. AFTER you read more, following the jump...

Click to read more ...

If you're new to the fake State of the Union coverage, start here at the beginning. The rest of you, let's wrap this thing up so we can go apply for unemployment on our way to camp out for the bread line with the real hobos, who don't even HAVE the Internet. To summarize, for the stoners: Eh, a little of this, a little of that, NOBODY MESSES WITH JOE BIDEN, issues, things, soldiers, DVR cutout. Continue the excitement, after the jump!

Click to read more ...

So here's the deal: I had to take a test during the Big Speech. It was online, because we live in the information age, which was nice, but it was still inconvenient and it made me a little grumpy. Anyway, I used a special machine from the future to capture and recreate the moving images and sound and duplicate them at my leisure, thereby recreating the experience as if I had actually watched the speech live. As a direct result of this technology, incredibly, I am able to fake live-blog the speech.

What will Captain Obama say at the pep rally? Let's find out, plus let's find out other stuff that we really care about: Will the Republicans participate in the wave? Will Joe Biden glide into the House chamber on a magnetic rail system? Will Roland Burris be allowed in, or will he have to pay, or will he get dragged out in handcuffs shouting "It wasn't me! It was the greasy-haired governor! DAMN YOU AND YOUR FILTHY TAINT, BLAGO!"? The fun begins, after the jump!

Click to read more ...

Hello adoring fans,

Following the trend of following trends, Hayley's Comment has joined Twitter! Check out our feed: http://twitter.com/hayleyscomment and become a follower, if you want to live.

There's something else I want to talk to you about. Everyone knows that you're a hardcore Hayley's Comment follower. So let go of your "I read blogs" shame, come out from the shadows and give a girl a plug. Comment on the blog, post an entry to your Facebook wall, email a story to all your Republican relatives along with the web address (http://www.hayleyscomment.squarespace.com). If you're too shy or secretly hate Hayley's Comment, please email me and tell me what I can do to make the site design and/or content better. Feedback people, I need feedback.

To thank you in advance I'm bringing you this special link to a wonderful/horrible thingy called Cornify that lets you plaster sparkling rainbows and unicorns all over any website with the click of a button [see above]! For laffs! You're welcome.

May the force be with you. 

Barack Obama is sworn in as the 44th president of the United States. Also pictured: Chief Justice John Roberts, Dick Cheney

Finally, Barack Obama gets to go sleep in the White House with his adorable family and that new puppy, and see what all the fuss is about! Now that's a slumber party we can believe in. Anyway, as of RIGHT NOW George W. Bush is no longer the appointed elected leader of the free world. But before he slithers back to Texas to open a library and trim brush, he has to stick around and watch the entire world bow to their new Hawaiian tribal king, Barack "Spread the Wealth" Obama." Let's watch and see how the newbie handles his Big Day! READ MORE...

Click to read more ...