Someone Who Isn't Barack Obama Previews New Old Strategy With Unremarkable Video

If you love to be bored, watch this movie about Barry's brand new!!!! 2012 Strategy, which hinges on the youth who love him for his sexy Facebook page, as well as constantly "maysuring" progress and reevaluating the Strategy. Also, it is the same as his last strategy:

1. Expand the electorate
2. Build something new
3. Grow the grassroots in the states
4. Measure our progress
5. Work for every vote

My least favorite is #5. What kind of asinine recommendation is that? Here are five alternative #5's, any of which would be more valuable advice:

5. Keep the bombing to a minimum
5. Go back to giving good speeches
5. Accidentally leave your microphone on more often
5. Let the paparazzi photograph you with your shirt off
5. Stay hydrated

No, you're right, probably better to just "shut your mouths" for another half a year while various GOP clowns do pretty much whatever the fuck with unions, the budget, basic human services, etc.

Oh well, at least they are sort of trying? And even though it is actually nothing new, that's okay because as you say, guy who isn't a very exciting vlogger, 2008 was "so special." Because of the "grass roots," which exist only as an organizing concept, having nothing to do with specific people or issues. Anyway, this all sounds pretty good, I'M IN!

SarcMark Is Awesome [SarcMark]

Somewhere along a typical meandering trail of useless information on the internet, I came across this gem of a concept: SarcMark. Have you heard of this thing? Believe it or not this random arrangement that looks like the crappiest crop circle ever is actually a punctuation mark for sarcasm. At least that's what someone wants you to think. Someone who considers $2 per download a fair price for this keystroke of genius.

Only unfunny people or those with a very stupid following/conversation partner would would need to use a punctuation mark to indicate sarcasm. Sarah Palin is the perfect example of someone who would abuse the SarcMark for both of the stated reasons. Can you imagine her tweets? "Barack Obama loves America! [SarcMark] He is a Christian! [SarcMark]"

In fact, I wasn't even going to do this crazy ran about the SarcMark. I was going to write an entire blog post about the wisdom of extending the Bush tax cuts with a SarcMark after every sentence. I think this would have proven my point; unfortunately SarcMark isn't even available for Macs. Here is proof that the SarcMark is about as necessary as a Snuggie:

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Must Not See TV: Attack of the Infomercials

This commercial is the most offensive thing I’ve seen on TV in months, and it’s haunting me along with ads for modern day corsets and knives that come in sets of... two sets. Have you been fighting strange impulses to purchase infomercial items such as a Strap Perfect, a Snuggie, or a Ped Egg? Items that you would normally laugh off (besides the Snuggie)? You are not alone. Gawker has confirmed what I’ve been suspecting during my late night That 70’s Show rerun-athons—infomercials are becoming more pervasive due to all the regular advertisers being totally broke.

I realize that the cringeworthy commercial above isn’t an infomercial, but it’s just so wrong and terrifying, and I’m hoping that passing it along to you will relieve my burden sort of like in The Ring how you have to make a copy before you can be free.

Since the New Great Depression is just beginning, this means the era of never having to leave your couch (or not being able to afford to) in order to buy meaningless crap is just beginning. What infomercial item are you going to splurge on? Draft Guard? Sham Wow? A word to the wise: Pasta Perfect is NOT perfect. Like, AT ALL.

[NYT via Gawker]