Liveblogging the State of the Crappy Union, 2012 Ed.

Well, the United States of America still exists, for now! I was going to plan my intro paragraph during a long, hot shower but the hot water isn't working. In this scenario one might call a maintenance man, or one might boil water on the stove and bathe herself in the kitchen sink like a giant baby. You can guess which option I chose, so I pretty much spent all my brainpower on not dying naked and alone in my kitchen. Anyway! Let's jump right in.

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Entire State Of Michigan Soon To Be 'Funemployed'

 

According to numbers, the entire country is on the verge of having to sell a) their bodies, or b) vitamins in a pyramid scheme. However, Michigan saw the sharpest rise in unemployment of any state in 2009, managing to go from 8.3% in 2008 to 13.6% in 2009. This is truly an honor, as Michigan rarely wins anything these days. Beer for everyone! ...Not like you have a job to go to. [Charlotte Business Journal]

Bad News: George W. Bush Poisoned Your Drinking Water; Good News: It Gave Me The Idea For A New Feature

New studies come out all the time, so that we can know how best to avoid things like death or having an average child. Sometimes these studies can get kind of confusing, because, um, science?

So here is a little feature in which I boil down the facts of a recent Important Study into a handy list of pros and cons around which you can form habits, make life decisions, or even possibly start a religion. It's called:

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