Mitt Romney To Release Shocking Tell All About America's Greatness

Remember when Mitt Romney was running for president, and at first everyone was all, “My, what shiny hair that man has.” But then American listened to what Mitt Romney had to say, which wasn’t very much, and decided he was just whatevs. And Mitt said: “But I’m so rich!” Then someone told him that an election and an auction aren’t actually the same, so he quit. After losing the veep slot to an insane person from Alaska it was hoped by many that Romney would sort of just go away forever.

But nope. He’s back. With a book! Mittens recently sat down with Sean Hannity to discuss his forthcoming contribution to the literary world. Summary:

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John Edwards Promised Rielle Hunter Marriage; Dave Matthews Band

Andrew Young is the guy that tried to save John Edwards' career by claiming to be the father of Edwards' love child with his videographer mistress, Rielle Hunter. He also used to be Edwards' main man, bff, confidante, right hand dude, etc., but it's safe to say those days are over: His new book, "The Politician," is poised to finish the job that "Game Change" started, in terms of making everyone hate John Edwards for being a lying, philandering, pandering slime ball. "The Politician" reveals that Edwards used sketchy socialite money to fund his affair, apparently can't wait for Elizabeth to die from the cancer, and called Rielle Hunter a "crazy slut" upon hearing that she was pregnant. The best part, so far, though, is this little gem:

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Cheat Sheet: "Game Change" Is Old News; Just Read This Blog Post Instead

Hilary and Obama confront each other at Regan National Airport as described in "Game Change"

Remember like two news cycles ago when everyone was so mad at Harry Reid for saying he hates negroes? In the mad rush of opinions, I totally missed the bigger picture: There is a major new political gossip blog all about the 2008 presidential election, only they put it in some weird format with paper and a cover.

Most respectable journalist and critics are dismissing “Game Change: Obama and the Clintons, McCain and Palin, and the Race of a Lifetime,” by John Heilemann and Mark Halperin, as porn for politics-obsessed observers. I am a politics-obsessed observer so I have no problem with that, in theory.

However, after extensive Googling research, I have determined that this book is the political equivalent of an US Weekly, and we probably don’t need it. Besides, all the good stuff is already on the internets! I’m pretty sure “Game Change” can be boiled down to the following bulleted list for your convenience:

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