Cheat Sheet: "Game Change" Is Old News; Just Read This Blog Post Instead

Hilary and Obama confront each other at Regan National Airport as described in "Game Change"

Remember like two news cycles ago when everyone was so mad at Harry Reid for saying he hates negroes? In the mad rush of opinions, I totally missed the bigger picture: There is a major new political gossip blog all about the 2008 presidential election, only they put it in some weird format with paper and a cover.

Most respectable journalist and critics are dismissing “Game Change: Obama and the Clintons, McCain and Palin, and the Race of a Lifetime,” by John Heilemann and Mark Halperin, as porn for politics-obsessed observers. I am a politics-obsessed observer so I have no problem with that, in theory.

However, after extensive Googling research, I have determined that this book is the political equivalent of an US Weekly, and we probably don’t need it. Besides, all the good stuff is already on the internets! I’m pretty sure “Game Change” can be boiled down to the following bulleted list for your convenience:

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Cheat Sheet: The Afghanistan (Speech) Aftermath

 

Remember that major event that happened a few nights ago? I did my first live blog! ("First" in that it wasn't a fake live blog written with the benefit of DVR.) Oh, and: Obama-Wan Kenobi went over to the dark side by announcing a 30,000 troop surge in Afghanistan. (Although, notably, he avoided using the term 'surge;' apparently even seventy trillion 9/11 references aren't enough to make anything Bush tried sound like a good idea.) 

So anyway, the nice looking colored fellow says that there is a date sometime when we plan to leave, so, um, I'm not that worried? Plus I have more important things to worry about like did Tiger Woods really have sexy time with all those women? Wait a sec--maybe let's check in on the whole war on terrorists (remember, Obama ended the "War on Terror") and decide once and for all what the media refuses to decide for us: Is or isn't Afghanistan the new Vietnam?

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Cheat Sheet: Bobby Jindal

Because, like many of the boys I’ve dated, Republicans choose to see their losses as the result of others’ clever tricks rather than their own brand of total fuckery, they are convinced that they need a vagina or a black or some other minority to put them back on top. Since Sarah Palin turned out to be a common meth head and Michael Steele is busy writing rap songs about tax cuts or whatever, Bobby Jindal, President of Louisiana, is now the GOP’s Great Indian Hope for 2012 and their choice to respond to President Barry’s congressional address this evening. Usually they let old guys do the kind of speech Jindal will give tonight, but Jindal is just like an old Repub, only with a skin suit made from Hispanic teenagers!

Jindal is the first Indian-American governor; in other words he is neither a gay nor a Muslim/terrorist (yay!). At 37, he is young enough to know some of the hip songs on Obama’s iPod, which means he is Charismatic. But behind that toothy grin there is a sinister past that you should know about, so you can shut idiots down when they start talking about how Jindal’s not that bad, he’s young and multicultural and Louisiana seems chill, etc. Discover what Linda Blair and Bobby Jindal have in common, after the jump! READ MORE...

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Cheat Sheet: Zimbabwe

In case you missed the part where, on Friday, the Zimbabwean government was handing out Z$100 million bills (that would be “Zim-dollars”), or the part yesterday when they were handing out new Z$200 million bills, you should probably know that Zimbabwe is totally fucked right now. Their currency is halving pretty much constantly, and now they are having a major cholera outbreak that could affect 60,000 and is already spreading to other countries. Let’s try to get a fix on the dire situation, after the jump...MORE

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