Honesty Is The Best Customer Service Policy

Thanks to Matt C. for sharing!

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[The Consumerist]

Banks Agree To Reduce Overdraft-Related 'Asshole Moves'

In order to placate the American public while they continue to steal from us relentlessly and without remorse response to public concern, major banks are redrafting their stances on overdrafting. People, this is literally the best news ever.

For YEARS I have been telling my Dad that overdraft fees are a scam and that my bank is out to get me. Of course, Dad always insisted that I was just irresponsible with my money, which was a true fact. Still, I knew there was more to this story. But I’m not an investigative journalist, so I would just be like, “meh” and then get back to my online shopping. But when literally everyone is so poor that they are eating days-old pizza out of dumpsters, the idea of charging someone $39 for one Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger just seems mean-spirited, no matter how frivolous a purchaser’s choices.

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To Pee or Not To Pee?

For females, squatting to pee is almost always a horrible disaster. It’s physically awkward, plus it exposes your woman flower to less friendly, potentially rash-spreading plants (or just exposes your woman flower). You are more likely than not to end up with pee on your person or your clothing, if for no other reason than you are typically working with limited resources that don’t include toilet paper. Pregnancy tests and urine samples—both fairly stressful events already—usually require a serious post-pee hand washing (admit it). I even got my first and only Minor in Possession ticket while squatting behind a bush at tailgate. Ya know who didn’t get an MIP that day? The guy peeing next to me. The only difference? He was standing. (Also he was 21.)

Too address this issue, a slew of recent products offer biological females the chance of a lifetime: writing their name in the snow with pee! The P-Mate and the Whizzy are essentially cardboard funnels that you pee in to, while the Shenis is actually a hollow (fake) penis. At 12 inches, it can even give you an ego boost, although unlike the cardboard versions it does not seem to be disposable. Would you use a pee aid? Before you say “EW NO” think back to the time you had to crouch between cars and have people stand guard on either side of you, only to be too drunk to squat properly, and ended up peeing on your shoes. If that’s never happened to you, you need to get out more.

After the jump, check out some clutch videos of these devices in use! [Warning: these may be NSFW, depending on how much your boss sucks at life.]

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Must Not See TV: Attack of the Infomercials

This commercial is the most offensive thing I’ve seen on TV in months, and it’s haunting me along with ads for modern day corsets and knives that come in sets of... two sets. Have you been fighting strange impulses to purchase infomercial items such as a Strap Perfect, a Snuggie, or a Ped Egg? Items that you would normally laugh off (besides the Snuggie)? You are not alone. Gawker has confirmed what I’ve been suspecting during my late night That 70’s Show rerun-athons—infomercials are becoming more pervasive due to all the regular advertisers being totally broke.

I realize that the cringeworthy commercial above isn’t an infomercial, but it’s just so wrong and terrifying, and I’m hoping that passing it along to you will relieve my burden sort of like in The Ring how you have to make a copy before you can be free.

Since the New Great Depression is just beginning, this means the era of never having to leave your couch (or not being able to afford to) in order to buy meaningless crap is just beginning. What infomercial item are you going to splurge on? Draft Guard? Sham Wow? A word to the wise: Pasta Perfect is NOT perfect. Like, AT ALL.

[NYT via Gawker]