News Flash! To the fine folks out there who masturbate to Glenn Beck: He's JK! That's robot speak for "just kidding!" As in: "Even though I spew mouth diarrhea and millions of people hold up gramatically ironic signs supporting my inane rants because they think it means something, I'm just kidding! I have no clue about politics, even." No harm, right? [Think Progress]
The Texas State Board of Education has voted 10-5 in favor of humiliating America in front of the rest of the world. In support of this larger initiative, they have made the following updates to their curriculum:
Free speech, unfortunately, means we can’t stop Rielle Hunter from talking. But then again, why would we want to? Her silence-breaking interview/sexy-fail photoshoot for GQ is full of wisdom and truth about life, like how she is 100% positive that John Edwards only lies to every person on the planet besides her.
As a citizen, I couldn’t care less what Rielle Hunter has to say; Edwards is finito. But as a woman, I find her story clichéd and tragic. She waxes on and on about how “Johnny” (as she insists on calling him for the entire interview, making for a pretty awkward read) is of pure heart and mind. As she recounts her days of sitting on a couch, pregnant and practically abandoned, her baby’s daddy happily passing the buck to former BFF Andrew Young, she blames herself for not understanding men better. KEEP READING...
Andrew Young is the guy that tried to save John Edwards' career by claiming to be the father of Edwards' love child with his videographer mistress, Rielle Hunter. He also used to be Edwards' main man, bff, confidante, right hand dude, etc., but it's safe to say those days are over: His new book, "The Politician," is poised to finish the job that "Game Change" started, in terms of making everyone hate John Edwards for being a lying, philandering, pandering slime ball. "The Politician" reveals that Edwards used sketchy socialite money to fund his affair, apparently can't wait for Elizabeth to die from the cancer, and called Rielle Hunter a "crazy slut" upon hearing that she was pregnant. The best part, so far, though, is this little gem:
As we've previously established, Sarah Palin doesn't understand sexism. In an effort to educate her, I attempted to recreate her cover to prove that in no way does being photographed in a jogger's outfit looking all patriotic and multi-tasky constitute actual oppression. Along the way, however, my over-sexed roommate thought it might be better to show her a counter-example--that is, a cover that would have actually objectified her in some way.
"But what would such a cover look like?" We wondered aloud. It would probably show her as submissive rather than strong and centered; the patriotism and technology would probably be sexualized, as would the whole thing; also it might mock her faith to point out her hypocrisy, just for fun good measure. So Sarah, I know you're reading this, and I want you to know that I did this for you, as there is no other reason I would ever allow my roommate to attach fake hair to my head and photograph me for the internet:
I gave up my dignity in exchange for television long ago, which is why I have no problem at all admitting that I still watch the Bachelor. Besides, I watch mainly for archeological purposes; each blessed utterance from the commitment-crazed contestants tells us mountains about the people who produced said psychos. For example, every time someone says “I never knew it could be this real,” we can conclude that (a) this person has the IQ of a door stop; otherwise they would have known all about the realness from previous seasons and (b) we come from a culture that was no idea what “real” means.
For Jason Meznik, the reject-turned-bachelor who spiced things up with his single parenthood (god having kids is just SO FREAKING REAL), to define something as “real” is apparently to say that it is temporary, unreliable and commemorated by a strangely oblong diamond engagement ring. Such is the nature of his feelings for Melissa, which, at the end of last night’s season finale, culminated in a proposal that was minimally vomit-inducing as far as The Bachelor goes. (I liked it when she got on down to his level and proposed back; it sounds lame but trust, as it went down it was playful and charming.) Immediately after getting engaged and jumping in the pool with their formal attire still on (so real), Jason went on national teevee, broked up with poor Mel and proposed (a coffee date) to the runner-up spinster, Molly.
What the fuck? I mean if this wasn’t the most audacious display of clichéd hetero male bullshit, I’m not the best blogger in the world.
Because, like many of the boys I’ve dated, Republicans choose to see their losses as the result of others’ clever tricks rather than their own brand of total fuckery, they are convinced that they need a vagina or a black or some other minority to put them back on top. Since Sarah Palin turned out to be a common meth head and Michael Steele is busy writing rap songs about tax cuts or whatever, Bobby Jindal, President of Louisiana, is now the GOP’s Great Indian Hope for 2012 and their choice to respond to President Barry’s congressional address this evening. Usually they let old guys do the kind of speech Jindal will give tonight, but Jindal is just like an old Repub, only with a skin suit made from Hispanic teenagers!
Jindal is the first Indian-American governor; in other words he is neither a gay nor a Muslim/terrorist (yay!). At 37, he is young enough to know some of the hip songs on Obama’s iPod, which means he is Charismatic. But behind that toothy grin there is a sinister past that you should know about, so you can shut idiots down when they start talking about how Jindal’s not that bad, he’s young and multicultural and Louisiana seems chill, etc. Discover what Linda Blair and Bobby Jindal have in common, after the jump! READ MORE...
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News Flash! To the fine folks out there who masturbate to Glenn Beck: He's JK! That's robot speak for "just kidding!" As in: "Even though I spew mouth diarrhea and millions of people hold up gramatically ironic signs supporting my inane rants because they think it means something, I'm just kidding! I have no clue about politics, even." No harm, right? [Think Progress]
