Liveblogging the State of the Crappy Union, 2012 Ed.

Well, the United States of America still exists, for now! I was going to plan my intro paragraph during a long, hot shower but the hot water isn't working. In this scenario one might call a maintenance man, or one might boil water on the stove and bathe herself in the kitchen sink like a giant baby. You can guess which option I chose, so I pretty much spent all my brainpower on not dying naked and alone in my kitchen. Anyway! Let's jump right in.

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A few weeks ago Ashley Eberbach of Burn One Productions tore herself away from the beach to swing through the mitten state and grab some footage of Detroit. What for? I'll tell you! Claire Demorest, a D-born artist also bumming around the beach with Smashley out in LA, recorded a fun take on Lil' Wayne's Prom Queen, reversing the gender roles (already love her) and softening it for my delicate ears' consumption.

It's no secret that I love pop music more than is normal, and as such I consider myself an authority on the good stuff. If you happen to be in the D and see a little blond girl in a white focus bopping around like an idiot, it's probably me enjoying Renegade or Runaway an inappropriate amount. (Listen here!) Watch out for Claire and Ashley because when I say bumming around the beach I actually mean consistently doing bigger and badder things that will probably win them oodles of awards someday. 

Entire State Of Michigan Soon To Be 'Funemployed'

 

According to numbers, the entire country is on the verge of having to sell a) their bodies, or b) vitamins in a pyramid scheme. However, Michigan saw the sharpest rise in unemployment of any state in 2009, managing to go from 8.3% in 2008 to 13.6% in 2009. This is truly an honor, as Michigan rarely wins anything these days. Beer for everyone! ...Not like you have a job to go to. [Charlotte Business Journal]

Automakers to Congress: Your Pitiful Handout Was Useless; More Plz

The car companies are still dead, and want more government moneys. Unfortunately, as we all know, money no longer exists because congress gave it to bankers to spend on the blood of virgins. Or was the money supposed to just be for virgins? Who knows!

Kids, there is a lesson here: If your Big 3 ever come to you and want a bailout, and you tell them sorry but you already gave your bailouts to the banks for caviar and massages, but they can have $.30 for some chocolate milk, and they say thanks, but chocolate milk actually costs MORE THAN 30 CENTS NOW and that won’t get them out of the financial shitstorm anyway, so could you please come up with some more imaginary money NOW... well, don’t be a horrible bloodsucking nonsensical cheapskate like your government.

How is it that literally MONTHS after the release of sci-fi thriller Back to the Future, no one has managed to come through with a marketable hover board?

[Bloomberg]