Everybody loves babies! They are the future! Am I right, or am I right?! WRONG. Insurance companies hate babies. They hate fat babies; they hate skinny babies. Most of all, they hate women, because women have babies.

As congress spins its wheels on a public option and Hilary Clinton sits in her office, all like "I told you this shit was harder than it looked," the insurance industry continues to equate having a vagina with having a pack-a-day habit. Being a woman, it turns out, is considered a pre-existing condition by some providers:

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I gave up my dignity in exchange for television long ago, which is why I have no problem at all admitting that I still watch the Bachelor. Besides, I watch mainly for archeological purposes; each blessed utterance from the commitment-crazed contestants tells us mountains about the people who produced said psychos. For example, every time someone says “I never knew it could be this real,” we can conclude that (a) this person has the IQ of a door stop; otherwise they would have known all about the realness from previous seasons and (b) we come from a culture that was no idea what “real” means.

For Jason Meznik, the reject-turned-bachelor who spiced things up with his single parenthood (god having kids is just SO FREAKING REAL), to define something as “real” is apparently to say that it is temporary, unreliable and commemorated by a strangely oblong diamond engagement ring. Such is the nature of his feelings for Melissa, which, at the end of last night’s season finale, culminated in a proposal that was minimally vomit-inducing as far as The Bachelor goes. (I liked it when she got on down to his level and proposed back; it sounds lame but trust, as it went down it was playful and charming.) Immediately after getting engaged and jumping in the pool with their formal attire still on (so real), Jason went on national teevee, broked up with poor Mel and proposed (a coffee date) to the runner-up spinster, Molly.

What the fuck? I mean if this wasn’t the most audacious display of clichéd hetero male bullshit, I’m not the best blogger in the world.

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The car companies are still dead, and want more government moneys. Unfortunately, as we all know, money no longer exists because congress gave it to bankers to spend on the blood of virgins. Or was the money supposed to just be for virgins? Who knows!

Kids, there is a lesson here: If your Big 3 ever come to you and want a bailout, and you tell them sorry but you already gave your bailouts to the banks for caviar and massages, but they can have $.30 for some chocolate milk, and they say thanks, but chocolate milk actually costs MORE THAN 30 CENTS NOW and that won’t get them out of the financial shitstorm anyway, so could you please come up with some more imaginary money NOW... well, don’t be a horrible bloodsucking nonsensical cheapskate like your government.

How is it that literally MONTHS after the release of sci-fi thriller Back to the Future, no one has managed to come through with a marketable hover board?

[Bloomberg]