Someone Who Isn't Barack Obama Previews New Old Strategy With Unremarkable Video

If you love to be bored, watch this movie about Barry's brand new!!!! 2012 Strategy, which hinges on the youth who love him for his sexy Facebook page, as well as constantly "maysuring" progress and reevaluating the Strategy. Also, it is the same as his last strategy:

1. Expand the electorate
2. Build something new
3. Grow the grassroots in the states
4. Measure our progress
5. Work for every vote

My least favorite is #5. What kind of asinine recommendation is that? Here are five alternative #5's, any of which would be more valuable advice:

5. Keep the bombing to a minimum
5. Go back to giving good speeches
5. Accidentally leave your microphone on more often
5. Let the paparazzi photograph you with your shirt off
5. Stay hydrated

No, you're right, probably better to just "shut your mouths" for another half a year while various GOP clowns do pretty much whatever the fuck with unions, the budget, basic human services, etc.

Oh well, at least they are sort of trying? And even though it is actually nothing new, that's okay because as you say, guy who isn't a very exciting vlogger, 2008 was "so special." Because of the "grass roots," which exist only as an organizing concept, having nothing to do with specific people or issues. Anyway, this all sounds pretty good, I'M IN!

John McCain Wants You To Be Fat

McCain lost the 2008 presidential election due entirely to his crappy logo, which couldn't compete with Obama's genius little road-circle-sun-change thingy. Luckily, McCain is in touch with real American values, and he knows what the people want in a political logo, and in life: BACON!

Whereas his old logo reinforced his love of wars, the new logo practically begs us to head over to Wendy's and eat six baconators. I'm no nutrionist, but maybe a logo featuring broccoli would have been more responsible so I'm headed to Wendy's. Peace!

[Brand New]

New York Conspiring To Commit Shenanigans

WTF, New York? W. T. F. Ever since Eliot Spitzer, that place has been nothing but salty language, domestic violence and ethics violations. THIS ISN'T A FRAT PARTY, PEOPLE. Are you trying to get Sarah Palin elected? Do you want all the sick babies to die??? Was the state of New York looking to get the GOP an early Christmas present and thought, "You know what they'd really like? Congress." Just pool in for a leopard print Snuggie and call it a day. 

Bad News For Earth: Some People Actually Like Dick Cheney

At the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), everyone agrees that Dick Cheney is a GOD. It's one thing to get a little sentimental about Bush who was more stupid than evil, but Cheney's maleficence is one of the more well-documented evils of our time. Have conservatives really forgotten that this man was one of the main inspirations for hatred and mockery of the Republican party? Will they get behind anything with a famous name and a boner for Reagan? Or do they just miss torture? [USA Today]

Barack Obama Is A Racist For Not Ending Racism

 

Obama is so 2008. The most pressing evidence: Yesterday, a Republican porn star was elected to Ted Kennedy’s old Senate seat, meaning a longstanding blue position is now held by someone who prefers waterboarding to clean water. This election obviously confirms that the whole country is back to hating Democrats, for failing at basically everything, which they will continue to do now that Massachusetts voters have screwed up their 60-person majority. Also, Obama failed to cure racism! Wait, what?

The most shocking new polls EVER show that before the election, almost 60 percent of Americans believed it was possible for one man to reverse hundreds of years of ingrained, violently complex race relations and bring about complete harmony.  Currently, however, only 40 percent of Americans are so dumb.  

I hate to state the obvi, but apparently it needs to be spelled out: Barack Obama is only half black; therefore, he could only be reasonably expected to solve 50% of race-related issues. Also, Harry Reid invented racism so it's only fair that he is the one to fix it.

[WaPo]