The Last Mono Blog: What Doing Nothing Taught Me About Everything

 

Tomorrow marks my return to society, which is lucky for society because frankly, it seems things are a little shaky. To commemorate my tenure on the couch and properly honor my victory over mono, here are exactly nine (9) relevant facts I've learned whilst wasting away these past two weeks! Write these down. Copy and paste these: 

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Liveblogging the Inaugural Fiesta!

Barack Obama is sworn in as the 44th president of the United States. Also pictured: Chief Justice John Roberts, Dick Cheney

Finally, Barack Obama gets to go sleep in the White House with his adorable family and that new puppy, and see what all the fuss is about! Now that's a slumber party we can believe in. Anyway, as of RIGHT NOW George W. Bush is no longer the appointed elected leader of the free world. But before he slithers back to Texas to open a library and trim brush, he has to stick around and watch the entire world bow to their new Hawaiian tribal king, Barack "Spread the Wealth" Obama." Let's watch and see how the newbie handles his Big Day! READ MORE...

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Your Guide to Inauguration Inactivity

We’ve all been glued to Obama’s nuts for months, and now there’s really nothing to do but wait for Rick Warren to cure the gays during tomorrow’s hope-filled broadcast. Unfortunately, on the eve of this most important event in the universe, ever, we are facing a dearth of actual new and interesting information about the inauguration.

I mean, we get it: DCers are too cool to care and just want to go back to their jaded lives of crushing hope instead of celebrating it; Obama’s giant musical spectacles feature legends and ironically-named hip hop stars alike; there are a fucking ton of port-a-potties. (An aside: While, I’m all for adequate facilities, I vehemently object to all the terrible, non-clever puns reporters feel compelled to make about them.) After the jump, let’s explore some of the less mentioned highlights from the official AP inaugural schedule, for fun! READ MORE...

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