HTC is some company that makes some cell phones, and apparently stellar commercials. I hate commercials, but I love this commercial. I know I should be mad that it wants me to have a relationship with my cell phone, but instead I want to laugh and cry and go to Europe and just savor the sweet pain that is life, man. I'm telling you, this commercial is good shit. [HTC on YouTube]

We've all been waiting for the moment that will topple Obama's presidency and it's finally here: Stimulus Not An American Citizen/Secret Muslim Auto bailout Death panels Public option Only playing golf with men Gubernatorial elections. [Reuters]

A well-respected U.S. official has resigned his post in Afghanistan because he thinks the American presence is fueling the very insurgency it's trying to quell. Sound familiar? He also says he's not "some peacenik, pot-smoking hippie who wants everyone to be in love." Conveniently, the Mainstream Media neglected to publish the rest of the quote, which read: "But I am some tree-hugging Muslim homo who wants mandatory, taxed abortions for white people." [WaPo] 

The 2010 Census will count report gay couples living together in extreme sin as "husband and wife." This is a reversal on Bush-era policy, which held that The Defense of Marriage Act eradicated all known American strains of homosexuality. [CNN] 

Barack Obama gave Captain Jack Sparrow the map above and a (quite jangly) set of keys to our nation’s nuclear facilities. In an attempt to cover up this obvious error in judgment, the Government Printing Office “accidentally” disclosed the same information on their website a few weeks ago. We’re all gonna die. [Wall Street Journal]

Over the weekend, Microsoft launched Bing, which is calls “an internet decision engine” rather than a search engine. Predictably, the interface seems like a weighty, overworked version of Google. They also provide tutorial videos, which I recommend watching if you have nothing important to do and love to waste time watching videos of straight forward internet searches complicated by completely unhelpful diagrams. [Bing]

Once relevant members of the dying GOP continue to throw hissy fits about every shit Obama takes, or when he nominates someone to the Supreme Court, or just whatev. Seriously, can’t an “every-day white guy” like Lindsey Graham get along with a “wise latina” even if she does have the hysteria like all dem womens? [WaPo]

Meanwhile, the prezzie himself is pretty much on vacay, planning his major speech to the Muslim world tomorrow. According to my calculations, this means Obama will reveal his sinister support for anti-American jihad approximately... tomorrow. . I’ve got my burka ready; don’t say you weren’t warned. [CNN]

Bonnie Sweeten, the mom from Pennsylvania who called 911 claiming she and her 9-year-old daughter had been abducted, is a big faker. What disturbs me the most about this situation is that while we live in the age of crime procedurals, an average American can’t avoid such rookie mistakes as emptying out her own bank accounts the day of her disappearance and placing easily traceable cell phone calls from the wrong location. If you’re going to fake your own kidnapping, do us all a favor and watch a few episodes of Without a Trace before getting started. [ABC News]

Despite continuing negotiations about the specifics, GM is going bankrupt. For some reason, its shares—which will soon be worthless, if I understand anything, which I’m not necessarily saying I do—are trading at around a whole dollar (which might also soon be worthless). [Reuters]

Over 30 million Xbox 360 consoles have been sold worldwide. Isn’t it comforting that even in a recession people can find hope simply by talking shit to 12-year-olds and maniacally attacking strangers with magic weapons? [TG Daily]

I know you’re all in the eye-rolling stage of the swine flu panic, but in the movies that is what happens just before the mysterious bug comes back meaner and faster to kill us all. Australia knows what’s up, that’s why they just quarantined a cruise ship and ordered 10 million doses of the vaccine. [Brisbane Times]

Kim Jong Il is having one of his freak outs. Hillary Clinton is giving North Korea a stern public talking-to, and Obama asked Biden to bring out the yellow booster seat and put it in the corner to use as a Time-Out Chair. [CNN]

I just read the Credit Card Bill of Rights, and it’s got some good stuff in there. Mandatory grace periods even for special promotions; the elimination of fees for phone and web-based payments; creditors can’t call before noon on weekends—oh, what? That’s not in there? Weird. [Boston Globe]

Congress won’t give Obama the moneys to release robot zombies from Guantanamo into suburban schoolyards, so ‘Bams had to give a speech at the National Archives. In it, he asked: “Who are the flip floppers now, America? You’re all ready to send George Bush to the gallows for this torture stuff, yet now you’re making me waste my time debating the fundamental values of our country with Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney! That guy is like the most universally agreed upon representation of evil in human form. I could be saving jobs right now, or babies. FML.” [Washington Post]

Ongoing jobless claims have been setting records for 16 straight weeks now. My advice to you all is to get a PhD. Or at least just pretend to try for a couple of years. At the very least, you’ll feel better about being poor because everyone in grad school is poor. [CNN Money]

GM reached a deal with UAW that will help the company lower its labor costs dramatically, yay! Unfortunately, “most analysts expect the offer to fail.” Boo. [New York Times]

Four guys were charged with attempting to use weapons of mass destruction against Americans when they planted several bombs outside synagogues in New York City. Thankfully, Americans are so dumb sometimes: They met in jail (one of them has been arrested 27 times), sought out the help of a terrorist who turned out to be a criminal informant, and failed to notice that all of their bombs were duds constructed specifically to be harmless by the FBI. [Bloomberg]

Everyone’s favorite uncle, Joe Biden, revealed the location of a secret bunker where Dick Cheney hid after 9/11, retroactively causing serious imaginary danger eight years ago. [The Swamp]

So, you know how Obama wimped out and said he’s not going to do Chinese water torture or anything on W.? The latest move by liberals (who are all OCD about human rights, apparently, WTF) is an attempt to disbar several of the attorneys who laid the legal framework, with their wordz, for the “enhanced interrogation techniques.” [CNN]

Surprise! Health care costs are rising for the American worker, who now pays an average of over $16,000 annually—for employer provided insurance. I got some email from Barack Obama and David Plouffe the other day, saying something about healthcare reform... but I’m probably just going to play it safe and wear a surgical mask until swine flu blows over. [Reuters]

Proof that bloggers are superior to all other life forms: pun-loving Maureen Dowd is now plagiarizing them in her column for the New York Times. [AP]

Space update: Astronauts are finishing up work on the Hubble; your new hero sent the first tweet from space; WaPo answers that nagging question: “How do astronauts pee in space?” I can’t really think about space anymore without thinking about how Kanye West calls it “NASA” in that Knock You Down song. That shit cracks me up.

MacGyver is coming to the big screen. I kind of thought Jason Bourne did the same shit MacGyver did, except in a better jacket. I gotta say, looking back, MacGyver is semi-really hot. Anyone with me? [Hollywood Reporter]

Maybe if someone gave Timmy Geithner a paper clip and a stick of Fruit Stripe he could figure out a legal way to say “Fuck you AIG, you assholes are not getting your billion-dollar bonuses, are you fucking kidding, no fucking way assholes.” [CBS News]

Into the creepy? Check out this diagram of the cellar where dungeon dad kept his daughter and their seven children hostage for over 20 years. [BBC]

One of the best things about living in a free country is that if the government is conducting state-sponsored torture, people are free to write and leak reports that expose these activities to the public years after it matters. [NPR]

My government shot down an unmanned Iranian aircraft and all I got was this stupid one-line confirmation. [Washington Post]

It’s going to get worse before it gets even worser: Jobless claims are at their highest in over a quarter of a century (that is like BEFORE I WAS EVEN BORN) and have topped 5 million for the first time since unicorns danced on sparkle rainbows. [CNN]

American heartthrob Barack Obama delivered a budget to congress today, and said some stuff, and it made some stuff happen to some numbers on screens somewhere. [Washington Post]

Time to burn your Atkins diet books! Scientists at Harvard have discovered that the type of diet is less important than sticking to it. In other words, it doesn’t matter what you eat as long as you don’t eat it. [ABC News]

Guns don’t kill people; Mexicans with American guns kill people! [New York Times]

Hey you know who doesn’t kill people? States that don’t have enough money for executions. [NYT]

OMFG Your mom’s lawyer’s cousin’s boyfriend’s stepdad’s spirit guide’s personal chef found Atlantis using Google Earth! But then it was just a stupid sonar boat track thingy. [PC World]

Rupert Murdoch has apologized for a NY Post cartoon that [maybe] depicted Barack Obama as a monkey. This is offensive because monkeys are Muslims, plus the real Obama doesn’t even like bananas. [CNN International]

In Giant Fucking Assholes news, Microsoft sent an unbelievably impudent letter requesting refunds from 25 laid off employees who were mistakenly sent overly “generous” severance packages. No word on whether the letter was composed in the “Modern” or “Elegant” template. [Tech Crunch]

Click here to be depressed about falling home prices, here for gloomy outlooks on the economy from President of Money Ben Bernanke, and here for horrible news about consumer confidence. You masochists. [Bloomberg]

NASA spent $300 million on a satellite thing; instead of measuring global warming like it was SUPPOSED TO DO, it crashed back to Earth, nearly killing Mumble, Gloria and the Hispanic penguins. [NY Times]