In order to placate the American public while they continue to steal from us relentlessly and without remorse response to public concern, major banks are redrafting their stances on overdrafting. People, this is literally the best news ever.

For YEARS I have been telling my Dad that overdraft fees are a scam and that my bank is out to get me. Of course, Dad always insisted that I was just irresponsible with my money, which was a true fact. Still, I knew there was more to this story. But I’m not an investigative journalist, so I would just be like, “meh” and then get back to my online shopping. But when literally everyone is so poor that they are eating days-old pizza out of dumpsters, the idea of charging someone $39 for one Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger just seems mean-spirited, no matter how frivolous a purchaser’s choices.

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The car companies are still dead, and want more government moneys. Unfortunately, as we all know, money no longer exists because congress gave it to bankers to spend on the blood of virgins. Or was the money supposed to just be for virgins? Who knows!

Kids, there is a lesson here: If your Big 3 ever come to you and want a bailout, and you tell them sorry but you already gave your bailouts to the banks for caviar and massages, but they can have $.30 for some chocolate milk, and they say thanks, but chocolate milk actually costs MORE THAN 30 CENTS NOW and that won’t get them out of the financial shitstorm anyway, so could you please come up with some more imaginary money NOW... well, don’t be a horrible bloodsucking nonsensical cheapskate like your government.

How is it that literally MONTHS after the release of sci-fi thriller Back to the Future, no one has managed to come through with a marketable hover board?

[Bloomberg]