Hokay, So. Last night was basically Obama’s prom: He gave a rousing speech on healthcare, and I missed it because I had to prevent one roommate from calling the cops on another in order to avoid having to move my stash. So I fake live-blogged it because I figured there is no better way to reclaim my throne as the best blogger EVER on this site. Check out ma shit, then leave your responses to the speech in the comments.

You remember how it works? Is it all coming back, all coming back to you now? Were there moments of gold and then flashes of light? Were there things you’d never do again but then they’d always seem right? Were there nights of endless pleasure, was it more than any laws allow? If you are humming a haunting tune and picturing Celine Dion watching her dead lover ride his motorcycle through a castle, you win! To claim your prize, contact the RNC and tell them you’ve won a public option. AFTER you read more, following the jump...

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Jim Gibbons, the Republican governor of Nevada, is srsly PO’ed at Barack Obama. In a statement, Obama discouraged companies that have received taxpayer bailout money from wasting it all on hookers, booze and gambling; apparently Gibbons took that as a direct assault on Vegas! After “demanding” a meeting with the president (how adorable), and being rejected, Gibbons is publicly denouncing Obama’s comments and calling for him to “repair the damage:”

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If you're new to the fake State of the Union coverage, start here at the beginning. The rest of you, let's wrap this thing up so we can go apply for unemployment on our way to camp out for the bread line with the real hobos, who don't even HAVE the Internet. To summarize, for the stoners: Eh, a little of this, a little of that, NOBODY MESSES WITH JOE BIDEN, issues, things, soldiers, DVR cutout. Continue the excitement, after the jump!

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So here's the deal: I had to take a test during the Big Speech. It was online, because we live in the information age, which was nice, but it was still inconvenient and it made me a little grumpy. Anyway, I used a special machine from the future to capture and recreate the moving images and sound and duplicate them at my leisure, thereby recreating the experience as if I had actually watched the speech live. As a direct result of this technology, incredibly, I am able to fake live-blog the speech.

What will Captain Obama say at the pep rally? Let's find out, plus let's find out other stuff that we really care about: Will the Republicans participate in the wave? Will Joe Biden glide into the House chamber on a magnetic rail system? Will Roland Burris be allowed in, or will he have to pay, or will he get dragged out in handcuffs shouting "It wasn't me! It was the greasy-haired governor! DAMN YOU AND YOUR FILTHY TAINT, BLAGO!"? The fun begins, after the jump!

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Fake President Barack Obama is inviting citizens to form their own terrorist sleeper cells all over the nation. Naturally, this plot is unfolding at the radical jihadist website BarackObama.com. Sure, it was all cute and exciting when Barry was so tech-savvy during the campaign, but now that he has won he is once again mobilizing his massive online network, most likely to push a radical Muslim agenda. 

Obama, who is no stranger to meeting in houses, with terrorists, has asked thousands of mesmerized followers to hold so-called "Economic Recovery House Meetings." In order to aid with your "recovery," Obama provides all the deets. What tools does one need in order to "successfully" host a party celebrating the myriad failures of our nation and our impending doom? Propaganda, of course! After the jump we'll interpret the New World Order subtext of Obama's sexy "Host Guide" using the popular blogging convention of strikethrough text! KEEP READING... 

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Barack Obama is sworn in as the 44th president of the United States. Also pictured: Chief Justice John Roberts, Dick Cheney

Finally, Barack Obama gets to go sleep in the White House with his adorable family and that new puppy, and see what all the fuss is about! Now that's a slumber party we can believe in. Anyway, as of RIGHT NOW George W. Bush is no longer the appointed elected leader of the free world. But before he slithers back to Texas to open a library and trim brush, he has to stick around and watch the entire world bow to their new Hawaiian tribal king, Barack "Spread the Wealth" Obama." Let's watch and see how the newbie handles his Big Day! READ MORE...

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We’ve all been glued to Obama’s nuts for months, and now there’s really nothing to do but wait for Rick Warren to cure the gays during tomorrow’s hope-filled broadcast. Unfortunately, on the eve of this most important event in the universe, ever, we are facing a dearth of actual new and interesting information about the inauguration.

I mean, we get it: DCers are too cool to care and just want to go back to their jaded lives of crushing hope instead of celebrating it; Obama’s giant musical spectacles feature legends and ironically-named hip hop stars alike; there are a fucking ton of port-a-potties. (An aside: While, I’m all for adequate facilities, I vehemently object to all the terrible, non-clever puns reporters feel compelled to make about them.) After the jump, let’s explore some of the less mentioned highlights from the official AP inaugural schedule, for fun! READ MORE...

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See, I told you so. Also, dang, I wish I could be Barack Obama.