Hokay, So. Last night was basically Obama’s prom: He gave a rousing speech on healthcare, and I missed it because I had to prevent one roommate from calling the cops on another in order to avoid having to move my stash. So I fake live-blogged it because I figured there is no better way to reclaim my throne as the best blogger EVER on this site. Check out ma shit, then leave your responses to the speech in the comments.

You remember how it works? Is it all coming back, all coming back to you now? Were there moments of gold and then flashes of light? Were there things you’d never do again but then they’d always seem right? Were there nights of endless pleasure, was it more than any laws allow? If you are humming a haunting tune and picturing Celine Dion watching her dead lover ride his motorcycle through a castle, you win! To claim your prize, contact the RNC and tell them you’ve won a public option. AFTER you read more, following the jump...

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If you're new to the fake State of the Union coverage, start here at the beginning. The rest of you, let's wrap this thing up so we can go apply for unemployment on our way to camp out for the bread line with the real hobos, who don't even HAVE the Internet. To summarize, for the stoners: Eh, a little of this, a little of that, NOBODY MESSES WITH JOE BIDEN, issues, things, soldiers, DVR cutout. Continue the excitement, after the jump!

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So here's the deal: I had to take a test during the Big Speech. It was online, because we live in the information age, which was nice, but it was still inconvenient and it made me a little grumpy. Anyway, I used a special machine from the future to capture and recreate the moving images and sound and duplicate them at my leisure, thereby recreating the experience as if I had actually watched the speech live. As a direct result of this technology, incredibly, I am able to fake live-blog the speech.

What will Captain Obama say at the pep rally? Let's find out, plus let's find out other stuff that we really care about: Will the Republicans participate in the wave? Will Joe Biden glide into the House chamber on a magnetic rail system? Will Roland Burris be allowed in, or will he have to pay, or will he get dragged out in handcuffs shouting "It wasn't me! It was the greasy-haired governor! DAMN YOU AND YOUR FILTHY TAINT, BLAGO!"? The fun begins, after the jump!

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